As mothers we get one holiday a year that’s just for us. What a serious rip-off. Think about what we accomplish everyday. If men had to walk in our shoes they would be, of course, crippled from our most awesome footwear. But, that’s not what would almost kill them. The non-stop multi-tasking we do would require most, if not all, men to begin a liquid diet and I’m not talking smoothies with a protein booster. This is why I’m suggesting that all the candidates currently running for any elected office consider my proposal for these official federal, state and county sanctioned Mom Holidays or hereafter known as Momidays.
Weather Days – Just like our kids gets Snow Days I firmly believe that all mothers be allowed to selected three weather related “days off” each year. For example, A Low Humidity Day is certainly an occurrence to celebrate for any mom who lives in a climate where water vapor levels linger in the 70% range. A special dispensation of 2 days off each year will be given to those brave Texas mothers who must parent in terminal humidity. Did you know five of the top ten most humid cities in America are in the Lone Star state? (Gasp, choke, cry.) Yes indeed, everything is bigger in Texas including the dew point. Any mom who experiences a bad hair day 361 days out of the year deserves at least one day off (of her choosing) when the humidity dips below 50%. This will allow mothers to go outside for 5 minutes and not feel like they need another shower and it will allow them a chance to enjoy not having their make-up begin melting as they walk from their front door to their car. Additionally, this day will feature a moment of silence in honor of Arthur C. Van House the “Saint of Shellac” who invented hairspray in 1948 due to his wife’s persistent urging ( re: bitching) that he “quit tinkering in the damn basement and invent something that keeps her hair from moving.”
As any woman who has grown up in moisture enriched climate knows those rare humidity free days are a gift from Mother Nature and should not be spent toiling in an office or waiting in the school pick-up line. A day with low humidity should be cherished and spent doing something you almost never, ever have the chance to experience – going to a restaurant and actually dining outside on their patio. Note: Those who live in drier climates would be permitted to observe a day off for “What’s that sound? Holy Crap is that rain?!” day.
I also feel mom’s should get a day off for celebrating the First Cold Snap of the year or as I like to call it – the “OMG, I Finally Got to Turn On My Car’s Butt Heater” day. This day can be used to drag out your fall and winter clothes and/or utilized as a shopportunity. On the flip side there should also be a day off for a “I’m No Longer Freezing My Ass Off” celebration. Where you would dig out your flip-flops and at the very least treat yourself to a pedicure.
My DVR/Tivo is Full Day – All moms should be granted one day off a year to “clean out” the cache of shows on their DVR. This day will be spent with you at home hanging out with your BFF, the remote control. You will lay on the couch with a cuddly blanket and your favorite selection of muchies will be no more than a gentle arm stretch away. This Momiday will be dedicated to the arduous task of watching all the shows you recorded, but never got a chance to see because every other member of your family was hogging the television(s). The only physical activity you are allowed is going to the bathroom and fluffing the couch pillows.
Mother/MIL Recuperation day – Any extended visit from your mother or mother-in-law will automatically guarantee you a “Recuperation” day. The 24 hour period after your mom or mil have vacated your home you will be in lock down in your bedroom. Your only visitor your significant other providing you with meals, magazines, movies books, beverages of the 40 proof variety and whatever your heart desires. This day will allow you to detox/exorcise the suggestions (demons), helpful hints, parenting, marital and financial advice that was bestowed upon you, all in the name of love, during their visit.
If the school district can give my kids an “Early Release” day every other week than I feel it’s quid pro quo to establish a half day off for mothers every other month to enjoy a New Haircut, Highlight and Blow Out Day. Getting that gray gone or doing damage control on bangs gone bad is reason enough for a half day off. But, the real reason for this Momiday is that once you’ve gotten your follicles all sleek and shiny you need to, most assuredly, take that hair, at the very least, out to lunch. Sadly, we all know from years of soul crushing experience, that our new “do” won’t look salon fresh when we wake up in the morning.
Every mother knows the feeling of euphoria when her entire house is clean. (I’m talking really, really, clean, like even your kitchen junk drawer is organized and you’ve labeled your spices.) From top to bottom everything shines and smells like Limited Edition Gain Febreze. It’s a sight to behold. You walk through your home and you can’t stop smiling. You think to yourself, “This is the way I was meant to live dammit! You make promises you know you will never keep like: “I will do a chore chart and enforce it with an iron fist.” “I will make each child throughly cleans their room before they go to bed at night.” “I will mop the kitchen every hour and clean the toilet bowl after each use with Mrs. Meyers Lavender Surface Scrub.” That’s why it’s paramount a Momiday be established for each women to rejoice and celebrate My House is Finally Clean and I Want to Enjoy It Before Anyone is Home to Mess It Up. The time span between a spectacular clean house and a Once Upon a Time clean house is extremely short. Basically, it last until you have to cook dinner and/or your first kid comes home from school and starts the backpack drop and dump or if you have younger kids when they turn that basket of Legos upside down. Each mom in the this great nation of ours deserves one day a year when she can sit in her immaculate home and savor the short-lived beauty of domestic perfection.
Rarer than a clean house or A Real Housewives Reunion show where someone doesn’t scream, “You bitch!” is the phenomenon known as Everyone In My Family Is Happy at the Same Time. Kids are smiling and off their technology so they can bask in your maternal goodness. Your Husband is content and it seems like he maybe worshipping the ground you walk on, just a bit. No one is complaining or fighting. Your cankles look, dare I say it, shapely. Your pets aren’t barking, pooping or shedding faster than the speed of light. It’s like everyone you love is on some kind of magical pharmaceutical and all they want to do is a family group hug – repeatedly. When this happens moms are automatically granted the day off and required to post pictures on Facebook or other social media outlets as verification that this day did indeed occur.
I don’t think these Momidays are too much to ask for. In fact, the smart move is for one of our 2012 Presidential candidates to take up this cause. The Momiday is the way to score some major votes. Politicians would be wise to remember the saying, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world”? I don’t know about you, but this mama is more than ready to rock some days off.
*Okay moms lets get out there and share this idea with all the child raising mammals you know. I think it’s vital for any proposed legislation to have as much input as possible. Call it a virtual town hall meeting. Plus, I’m open to suggestions for more Momidays. I’d like to get that 8 days off to at least 10. Better yet, maybe I should run for President. I’m a U.S. citizen, over 35, and I think if I can run a family I can certainly run a country. Everyday, I deal with finances and strict budgeting, surly humans, making people get along, cleaning up messes I didn’t make, negotiating surrenders and I’m an expert at doing the scary scold. (Oh, how I would so love to give Congress my scary scold.) Snarky in 2012 – Truth, Justice and Cankles. Who wants to join me on my bus tour? Better yet I’ll have my bus run not on oil, but Diet Coke and all my campaign stops will be at Target and the occasional Costco! Sweet, sassy, electorate now I’m really excited. Anyone want to be my campaign manager?