Idiots Who Send Me E-mails

181065_622071081155682_1067376693_nIn the anonymous world of blogging it’s expected that you’re going to get a lot of anonymous comments or e-mails about what you write. What’s also expected is that some people are going to hate what you write. But what has been surprising, at least for me, is the sheer volume of idiots out there. Idiots who send me e-mails about what a horrible mate, mother, mammal, you name it, I must be. According to quite a lot of folks, I’m Beelzebub in a mini-van. Therefore I will be using this post to defend myself.

Before I begin my formal defense I want to state for the record that the name of my blog is not Saintly in the Suburbs or Perfection in the Suburbs. It’s Snarky. Furthermore, let the record show that, I have never given parenting advice, suggested I was a paragon of parenting or in any way held myself up as an example to be followed or emulated. Now, that we’ve got that out-of-the-way let’s proceed to the evidence portion of this posting.

The best way to start, I think, is to break down the evidence, here after known as comments, into two criticism categories. Category one is criticism about me, my appearance and personal habits. Category two is my failings as a mother.

Let’s begin with my favorite that I’m a fatty. Oops, I guess all mentions of my cankle affliction, size 12 and/or 14 pants, and less than stellar appearance in a swimsuit has garnered me some fatty haters. To those of you that have sent me e-mails calling me out for weighing in the three figures and having a body mass index of over 18 I’m here to say that I’m so very sorry for upsetting your delicate body image sensibilities. That said, thanks for all the unsolicited weight loss, de-tox, exercise and surgery advice. As for the “At Home Colon Cleanse” suggestion, sorry, but that’s a great big NO to inserting a “rectal nozzle” (apparently available on-line and at your local CVS) to my garden hose and using it to purify my large intestine.

I also strenuously object to the advice that I back away from the carbs.  I’ll have you know that my liaison with baked goods has been a life long love affair and truly one of the most fulfilling and rewarding relationships one could ever hope for. Nothing and I mean nothing will ever come between me and my Pillsbury Grand Cinnamon Rolls. I just can’t quit you, Pillsbury.

Which brings me to the next oft mentioned personal criticism that I’m a drunkard. Okay, people just because I have mentioned on numerous occasion how I enjoy a “fun” drink does not make me an alcoholic it makes me a functioning member of the human race who, thanks to the sporadic adult beverage, has not gone on a homicidal rampage – yet. There’s still time as I have two children to shepherd through the teen years.

I would also like to offer my condolences to all you discount shopping snobs that see fit to let me know that you wouldn’t be “caught dead” walking in a Target. All I have to say is that I’m deeply grieving for you. Target is balm for a weary soul. I’m begging you to spend one afternoon at  Target. Get a diet coke from the snack bar and roam the aisles. Start with cosmetics and end with home decor and then try to tell me you don’t feel better. After that get back in your car and go to Costco, head straight for the refreshments and get yourself a slice of cheese pizza or if your feeling more sweet than savory a churro. Take your massive cart head for the free samples and then circle back to the fine wines and spirit section. The Target/Costco trip or as I call it Tarco is the stuff a perfect afternoon is made of.

Moving on now to category two, my suckage at being a mother. Who knew that there were so many perfect mothers out there in the world? What a huge surprise to find that these women have the time to read, critique, and offer, what I assume are, heartfelt suggestions to other mothers about what a bad job they’re doing.  There is nothing that brightens my day more than an e-mail from a sanctimommy telling me how much better they are than me at this whole parenting thing. First, let me congratulate you on your exemplary time management skills. Golly, you really must be a super mom to do all you do and still have the energy to troll the blogosphere for hours offering aid to less than flawless mothers.

I really took a beating from the monuments of maternal magnificence when I dared to post that raising your daughter to be a princess was not a viable career choice especially in an iffy economy. You would have thought I had written that Cinderella was really Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Philip in drag. These moms were livid that I would even suggest that a grown up princess was nothing less than the American ideal. Many of them had some royal family issues as 4 out of 5 signed their e-mails with “It’s good to be Queen,” the “Queen Mother,” “Queen Bee,” etc.  I’m sure if they could have tracked me down they would have jumped on their valiant steed and stabbed me with a tiara they had filed down to a shiv while doing time at The Happily Ever After Mental Institution for the Regally Insane.

A big shout out to the moms who delight in writing me so they can tell me how I’m failing my children.  The “Activity Addict” moms love to share how I’m messing up my kids existence by not enforcing a strict diet of four seasons of extensive extracurricular activities. Excuse me, that one of my mom edicts is that if four out of seven dinners a week have to be consumed in the car because of the “to and fro” of activities than somethings gotta go. One mom this summer pointed out how her children’s lives were forever enriched by attending mime camp. Really, mime camp and I’m the bad parent?

The mother-load of mommy crap rained down on me when I had the audacity to suggest that our kids get too many awards. These Award Whore moms were aghast that I wasn’t busy putting together more IKEA shelves to hold my children’s collection of plaques, trophies, ribbons, and certificates for such achievements as “Best Skills at Lining Up for Recess.”

I got one extremely angry e-mail from a mom who shared with me her parental pride in her son who, for six years running, has received the Perfect Attendance Award. Her “baby boy” has never missed a day of school “no matter how bad he felt” and “even went to school three times with the stomach flu.” (Really I can’t make this stuff up.) I replied back that I’m sure her County Health Department, the Center for Disease Control and all the kids in her child’s classes for the past six years might be less than thrilled with her son’s perfect attendance as he has surely passed on many a communicable disease. Kudos, I concluded, to her son for bucking up and sneezing, coughing, vomiting and high fevering his way through his elementary school years and an extra special Typhoid Mary award to her for never having to miss a day of work due to a sick child.

I’ve also managed to tick off some hot moms or moms who think they’re hot when I mentioned that shorty shorts, Ugg boots and pigtails should get the worst mom outfit of the school year. It seems, I offended a portion of the mom population that think they can “rock the look.”  According to the e-mails I got “I’m jealous” on two fronts.

One, I’m jealous because I can’t “pull it off” and jealous because I can’t “afford Uggs.”  These women are right, I am jealous.  Jealous that I don’t live in their delusional world where I think looking like a deranged, middle-aged, down on her luck, battling a meth addiction, pig tailed Cindy from the Brady Bunch turned Hooter Waitress is a look that I can “rock.” Who wouldn’t be jealous of that kind of self-confidence?

I also have a group of women in East, Texas praying for me and doing some on-line ministry.  This happened after one mom called upon the Lord to help me find my way and guide me so I can be saved from the unrighteous, non mommy bliss, life I’m living. She alerted her bible study class about my “sin ridden” blog and they all started reading it in order to better focus their prayers.

I asked them how I was singled out to receive their abundant blessings and was told I was discovered in a google search.  Apparently, when you enter crack whore, nipples, sucks, vajazzle, bible study, F bomb and bad mommy into google “Snarky In the Suburbs” pops up. (I’m so proud.) I was touched by their concern for my mortal soul but I, ever so politely, suggested that their prayer power might be better directed at stopping war, poverty, hunger or even some kind of outreach to the rejects from The Bachelor not some nameless, faceless person, on the internet. No matter what I said they remain dedicated to saving me.

So, I decided to use my shameful sin to brighten their lives, a feel good for them, if you will. I told them that their instincts were correct. They hit the bulls-eye. The reason they felt I was a terrible mother with mental health issues is because I’m not a mom . . . I’m a man. A lonely dude in prison, Rikers to be exact, currently serving 10 to 20 for armed robbery. (I just knew all those hours of watching Law & Order would come in handy.) To pass the time I write this blog on the prison library computer which I only get to use when I earn enough good behavior credits.

They were all beyond excited about this revelation (one prayer group member confessed to having a celestial vision that I was a man) and are planning a mission trip to visit me very soon. I can’t wait!

On that I rest my defense.

**For more Snarky check out my book  Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. 

Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. 

To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.

56 thoughts on “Idiots Who Send Me E-mails

  1. Amie Jo says:

    I don’t care what the jerks say I think you are freaking awesome! and truly can’t wait to use your punishments for a teenage boy on my child. He is only 10 right now but he is already in need of some of them. I have never laughed so hard as I have at your posts. You are a real person not one of the fakies that worry constantly about all the stupid crap like all the activities and such. We are also a 2-sport family, in a small town that REVOLVES around sports. and the summers are spent at sport camps too. Kids need free time, it builds their creativity and also teaches them to depend on themselves…just a little, that’s never a bad thing. And if all these people don’t like you, why the crap are they reading your blog? just curious…

    I think you are funny. I think you are hilarious and can’t wait to read more.
    Amie

  2. Angela says:

    Snarky, I love you! My parent success was based essentially on this: At the end of every day, I fell to my knees and said, “Dear Lord, thank you for not letting me kill any of them today.” I have eight children. Some days, it was touch and go if I’d make it till bedtime.

  3. Lori says:

    I LOVE you….I am married, a mom of 4, a believer in Jesus Christ as my Savior, a founder of a non-profit ministry that clothes children in need in our area AND I LOVE YOUR BLOG… Does that mean I’m destined to hell??? Think not! People need to get off their high horses and start being real. Seriously, people, it’s just real life – the way it really is… If we all made a little more effort to live REAL we’d be so much happier! Thank you for your raw, real, belly laughing hilarious blog…keep at it, Snarky!!!!

  4. Linda says:

    Your honesty is always welcomed, especially when written with humor. Don’t be bothered by the other women who are trying to living happy lives. They are jealous of you because you are living a happy life without even trying.

  5. Sheri says:

    Soooo love this post. Started my morning with a huge laugh. There are some crazy people out there, and you are NOT one of them. Cheers!

  6. Brittany says:

    Lady you are awesome! If they don’t like what you have to say then they shouldn’t be reading it. I love your blog.Finding anything written by someone who is articulate, intelligent, and has a sense of humor about life and themselves is so rare these days.
    Please keep it up!

  7. Anna says:

    Reading your blog makes me feel more empowered when I have to interact with Sheila the 6 ft Amazonlike Oompa Loompa/Yetti gone Dukes of Hazard with a German Accent in the media center at school.

      • Anna says:

        you should see her for yourself. She changed out of her usual super short midriff showing gym attire, into her jean shorts, uggs and pony tail this last week. Im not sure she really helps in any way. I know she is quite the distraction for me. You can’t stop staring.

  8. Bailey says:

    I LOVE your blog!! It makes me proud to be a mom because I know that there are others out there who find humor in life. Keep the sarcasm coming!!

  9. Gwen says:

    I’m pretty sure you’re my long lost twin!!! …not that I’m at all snarky … or a crazy mom… or some guy in prison… I’m just saying
    Although I do live in the suburbs!

  10. Jeanine says:

    I absolutely love your blog! You describe people that all of us moms know, whether we are a stay at home moms or working moms. I love the humor you use. Keep the posts coming!

  11. shannon says:

    First time I’ve read your blog. Bravo. First off, I am a mother of three elementary aged children. Sit down, my little grasshoppers…..only my oldest is in an activity! she sings with her chorus group, and it’s during school, so I don’t have to do that whole to and fro thing. None of my kids has shown a real desire to be in dance, gymnastics, tee ball, etc…so why do it? Furthermore, I love target and costco. Even further, I don’t like uggs and I don’t wanna rock them. I don’t like to stand at the busstop with my little dog and socialize with moms who dubbed me the “irresponsible” mom because I won’t pick up my kids with my car at the busstop when it rains. Because I believe my kids can walk a 1/2 block and not melt like a witch. Whatever, dudes. Your blog rocks.

    • Robin says:

      Screw the Haters, you are wonderful. I am skeptical of those who claim motherhood is so blissful, they are either retarded or have a great valium connection. Keep up the great work!

    • Linda Chandler LaFever says:

      Shannon, when mine were in elementary school we lived 2 HOUSES from the bus stop and I still got crap from people on rainy days for not walking them home. When a third and fouth grader can’t walk 100 ft up a slight incline, it’s time to take them to the doctor. Stupid cows. Snarky, you are a mentor to a whole new generation. Be proud!

  12. Lynda... says:

    I totally understand. I never knew how bad I sucked at parenting until complete strangers felt compelled to tell me – anonymously, of course – that perhaps I should put the wine glass down and go to church more. Sarcasm and self-deprecating humor are seemingly becoming a lost art…CHEERS!

  13. Sarah says:

    You’re funny and your “revenge of the mom” posts scare the crap out of me. Because you sound like my mom, who still gets the better of me even though I’m about to turn twenty-nine and should be able to outsmart her wily self by now.

    Oh, and I’m a Southern Baptist, so I guess I’m a terrible person for enjoying your blog.

  14. Kim says:

    I still say you should be getting paid to write this–you are hysterically funny and I so enjoy reading your posts! You ROCK and I can’t even fathom the people out there giving you crap. Here’s more props to you for excellent writing, insight, wit, humor, on point observations, and sarcasm. Keep it up and enough with the idiots. Don’t give them a moment’s thought.

  15. Christine says:

    I love your blog and don’t care what the others have to say. You are not evil, crazy, nuts or anything else. You are real and help us all remember what real is.

    And I am a Non-Denominational Christian and I read your blog all the time.

    If that group thinks you’re going to hell because of the type of mother you are, remind them to “judge, lest you not be judged” and maybe they will go away. Another good one “let he who has not sinned cast the first stone”. That should get them to go away or move on 🙂

  16. Paige says:

    HA! love it!!!
    And as for those rediculous moms sporting “shorty shorts, Ugg boots and pigtails” criticizing you: If they only knew who they are dealing with in Snarky… drop dead gorgeous, excellent mom who could steal their cheap husband’s and robotic children’s hearts in a nano-second w/o even trying!

  17. Jill Lawson says:

    I could start this post by stating that I, too, am a Christian who loves Snarky and her blog, which I am, but it seems a bit repetitious at this juncture, given all the really wonderful comments above. What I would like to say, however, is what has happened to us that “some” of us appear to have lost our senses of humor??? Is it the economy and we’re beaten down by lack of cash-flow or a job (but, then, how are we paying for our internet connection then?) or are we so incredibly hurried/busy with our lives that humor and sarcasm have taken a back seat (along with the kids we’re hauling to a gazillion extracurricular activities)??

    LIGHTEN UP, FOLKS!!! KICK BACK, READ, AND ENJOY THE THE MOMENTS SPENT READING THIS BLOG!!! For me at least, this blog has been a blessing because it’s the first time in a LONG time that I’ve actually read something that makes me laugh out loud – LOUDLY! Thank you so much, Snarky!

  18. Charity says:

    good for you. I (yet again) laughed my way through another of your posts…anyone who would be offended or otherwise bothered by your blog should just not read it. Problem solved people!

  19. scrapmomof2 says:

    I seriously cannot imagine who would take the time to criticize you. Seriously you “amazing” moms . . . if you don’t like what she has to say . . . let your short shorted, Ugg-booted, pigtailed, skinny perfect self visit another blog! I for one LOVE what you have to say. You brighten my day, and you say what I would say if I were more clever and a better writer! Snarky, thank you so much for NOT being Saintly! I wouldn’t have it any other way! 🙂

  20. Linda Chandler LaFever says:

    I’m east of Austin so I’m not part of the group praying for your poor, black soul, but I do have a degree in Theology (the fundementalist kind)so if you ever need anything translated, let me know. (What can I say? It seemed like the thing to do at the time.) I wholeheartedly approve of deprivision of electronics as a punishment (when I take the XBox controller from my 15-year-old, you’d think I had taked a lung.) I also approve of them as a way to keep him safe on the days when his life may be in danger. You are by no means fat (12/14 is NOT fat,) and cankles are part of life. To show you what a horrible mother I am, I told my 16-year-old daughter abuot you and now she follows you on FB. Bad Mommy hell, here I come…

  21. Aimee Palmer says:

    I have to say I love your blog and your little facebook updates. They alway bring a smile to my face and I can only hope someday that I will have the same sort of humor when I have children.

  22. Alexis says:

    Thank you so much!! I am so sick of stupid people and the fact that they can’t keep their stupid opinions to themselves. I think you and I could get along fine and have a drink while our kids play in the yard!!

  23. Mandy says:

    I love, love, love your blog!! If we lived in the same town I’m quite certain my friends and I would welcome you into our little group. We all love and adore our children and spouses(most of us). But in order to not go completely bat shit crazy, we drink, hit target and love a little snarky revenge on occasion. Please don’t listen to any of these freaks, you’re perfect just the way you are!!

  24. Tracey says:

    HA! Thanks for the giggle, Snarky.
    I have aimlessly roamed the aisles of Target for years. This activity has saved me hundreds, if not thousands in talk therapy.
    Little did I know I was doing a “TarCo” run as I would head straight on to Costco from
    Tarjeh…
    Oh, and I’m praying for you 😉
    Keep on keepin’ on!

  25. Natalie says:

    When my son was in third grade, he watched the movie Little Nicky with his older sibs. He went to school the next day and told the art teacher we were devil worshippers and that he was looking forward to going to hell and sitting in a hot tub with Danny DeVito and Adam Sandler, smoking cigars, and didn’t want to go to heaven. The head of school called to tell me he upset the other children, but that the school supported “all faiths.” I just laughed my ass off. This is the same kid who told the visiting astronaut he wanted to be a door to door salesman when he grew up… and told the spanish teacher the mexican beer bottles smelled “like mommy’s kisses.” I’m sure they all think I am a terrible mother. I just think my kid is hilarious and I admire his humor. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks about my parenting. i do the best I can, and so do they, and there is no one, right way. BTW, I used to punish my kids by taking away all “screen time.” They hated that. I never drove them to the bus stop and I never got up with them in high school. They are independent, functioning people, they have lots of friends and they are happy. They are in law school at Harvard, pre-med at Columbia and an A student in a Catholic College. I think they turned out okay.

  26. Gretel says:

    Snarky, you are awesome. A real mom that we can relate to, not those fake housewives on tv. I love how candid and hilariously funny you are. I too roam the target aisles and don’t know what I would do without Target. As for the group praying for you, they need to remember the verse in the bible (Matthew 7:3), “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Keep blogging. We love it!

  27. southernlites says:

    Seriously……I laughed so hard the tears ran down my legs! ……..turned Hooter Waitress. Gawd I love you so much.

  28. Linda Bedord says:

    I love reading your comments, jokes, blogs and everything else. In a world filled with bombings, guns in school, bullying and so many other negatives, you never fail to bring a smile or a chuckle. Your snide sense of humor hits my funny bone. And I have to say I do agree with you on so many things. Kids need to learn that you can’t win at everything. The world is full of those who lost, but it doesn’t make them losers.

    The people who have such an issue that they feel they must send nasty emails… Don’t they realize they have the option to *NOT* follow you?! I will continue to read and follow you, and to laugh out loud when it strikes me to do so. ☺️

  29. Patty says:

    You are awesome. Let me get that out of the way right now. I assume most moms would think the same thing. Then I read this and think: “how can someone read her stuff and respond negatively?” I WANT to think that the majority of us women are not horrible creatures, and most days I do. But these trolls make me want to punch something really, really hard. I know it is the anonymity of the internet that feeds some of this and some of it must be people with ZERO sense of humor or self-awareness, but I realize that “mommy wars” will forever be ongoing–and then we have the NERVE to tell our daughters not to bully. Trolls–take a look in the mirror.

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