Princesses – Totally Overrated

not_a_princessWho would really want to be a princess? Think about it, historically and in Disney lore their lives have, shall we say, sucked tiara. Major princess of our lifetime, Princess Diana, her life in one word – tragic. Unhappy childhood blossoms into dreadful marriage. I mean, come one, Prince Charles, yuck. What does he have going for him besides the family name? Talk about being a whinny, enormously eared crybaby with no visible means of support except for Mummy’s money. After the marriage tanks she continues on a downward spiral than ends in her untimely death at age 36.

Classic Disney Princesses, as a rule, have been just a smidge worthless. I will give shout outs to Ariel, at least she saved some guys from drowning when a ship sank. And Cinderella survived that evil stepmother with some extreme housecleaning. That takes intestinal fortitude. Oh and Belle did try to rescue her father. She earned street cred for that. But Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, losers.

What did Sleeping Beauty ever accomplish? She’s the original dumb blonde. She’s born, she goes to live with the fairies, she’s grows up, does the one thing she’s been told not to do all her life, and gets her finger pricked with a spinning wheel. This act of stupidity plunges the entire kingdom into deep sleep mode. Poor Prince Philip gets stuck saving her. I’m sure he was like, “What a dumb ass. I’ll kiss her to save the empire but I sure don’t want to be saddled with this piece of work.”

As for Snow White, hello dummy. You run away from your nasty stepmother and the best you can do for yourself is be the live in maid for seven dwarfs. Several of them, I’m sure, are on the “Enchanted Forest Predator Watch List.” Then to further prove you’re an idiot you take food from a freaky stranger. Did you really need that apple? If it had been a delicious cookie, a piece of chocolate candy or a slice of cake dripping with buttercream frosting maybe. But, an apple? Your going to be tempted by an apple? Have you not read the Old Testament?

All this begs the question as to why parents continue to do the disservice to their daughters of continuing the Princess Myth. Sure, it’s harmless enough when our girls are toddlers and pre schoolers and who doesn’t like being a Disney Princess for Halloween? But to encourage Princess behavior once your daughter reaches say, the age of 11 is just wrong. This is the age you need to sit your daughter down for ‘the talk.” You gently explain using the P.A.L. (Princesses Are Lame) method (franchise opportunities available soon) that princesses aren’t what they’re cracked up to be and your young tween must abandon all royal fantasies. Ignore this advice at your own peril. Because if your child grows into an adult princess your kingdom will be experiencing a world of hurt that will wipe out your retirement savings and destroy your mental health.

Most of us have experienced the phenomena that is the Adult Princess (A.P.). It’s ghastly. Ugh, if you’ve ever had the misfortune of “working” with one, having a best friend get married to one, or having one for a relative or roommate. The A.P. is a beast even the Grimm Brothers couldn’t imagine for one of their fairy tales. The defining character traits of the adult princess are as follows:

Royally Unemployable: The Adult Princess finds herself too good to work for a living.  Why mingle with the peasants when her King (daddy) can take care of her. Being a Princess means she never quite grasped the concept of providing for herself and is egregiously bereft of a work ethic.

Always Looking for Prince Charming: The Adult Princess is always scanning the horizon for that perfect man to show up and sweep her off her feet. The problem here is threefold. First, there is no Prince Charming. Secondly, if she thinks she’s found Prince Charming she quickly tires of him and begins the search anew. Thirdly, Prince Charming often becomes beaten down by the demands of his Princess Bride and jumps on his faithful steed and gallops far, far, away to that magical land of “I Told You So” which is inhabited by the Prince’s friends and family. This can lead to many, many marriages for the Adult Princess and many, many trips back to live at King (dad) and Queen’s (mom) Castle basement.

Needs the assistance of handmaidens and ladies-in-waiting: High maintenance doesn’t even begin to describe the needs of the Adult Princess. She excels at being pampered. Be it trips to spas, manicures, pedicures, facials, stylist etc. The A.P. fills her day with others attending to her needs. It’s a lifestyle that requires major coin of the realm. Since the A.P. doesn’t have any visible means of support someone else gets stuck footing the bill. Usually, it’s the sovereign nation of Visa.

Requires a first class horse and carriage: You will never find an Adult Princess in a 1972 Ford Pinto with a rear spoiler and sun roof.  Her happiness hinges on having a nice ride. Even if daddy or the Prince Charming du jour is footing the bill.  An Adult Princess identifier is car bumper sticker or license plate holder that reads: “I’m Not Spoiled My Husband Just Loves Me” or “Daddy’s Girl – Spoiled Rotten.”

Excessive Glass Slipper Shopping: The Adult Princesses views shopping as her life’s work. It is her consuming passion. She will charge (to daddy or Prince Charming) enough in one trip to Nordstroms to clothe a portion of the third world. She has also been known to bankrupt her family in her quest to own the Crown Jewels.

Seeks Constant Adoration: Without excessive compliments, ego stroking and praise the Adult Princess turns into one big, bad Petulant Princess.  Prone to scepter throwing tantrums and dire depression this woman can turn the monarchy upside down with her mood swings.

If you sense you have an Adult Princess in the making stop her reign now.  Sure, it will take some tough love, possibly the assistance of a cult-deprogramming and the saying of the word, NO, many, many times during the day. But have faith. You can do it. If, despite your valiant efforts, you fail at your de-princesses attempts dig a moat around your castle and for security purposes employ a fire-breathing dragon. That should help keep your A.P.  at a safe distance from your 401K, debit card and sanity.

**For more Snarky check out my book  Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. 

Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. 

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