Living the Luxury Linen Life

I don’t know how and I don’t know why but I’ve gotten on the advertising radar of several bespoke linen companies and I’m not mad about it. In fact, it has become a rabbit hole I never knew I needed to go down but now that I’ve dived deep into this abyss I’m afraid I’m not coming out.

For those of you that don’t know what bespoke linens are, and a mere three weeks ago this was me, it’s luxury custom linens for your bed where a single standard size pillowcase can easily exceed $1,000.

Here’s a super fun fact – there are companies that make linens just for castles – like legit castles not a McMansion pretending to be a castle. Fun fact #2 – castle linens are usually heavier in thread count and made from velvet flannel because palaces on the Scottish Highlands and a medieval fortress perched on the craggy rocks of West Wales aren’t known for their central heating.

There are also bespoke linens for your yacht because of course there is. The best thing I’ve read about yacht linens is that the owner gets the fancy custom linens but it’s recommended that the guest cabins due to “laundry demands” go “mass market cotton sateen.” Shudder.

The most important thing I’ve learned though is that you must make sure you know the yarn provenance of your bed linens. This started me thinking if the super-rich hire yarn provenance detectives to scour the globe to ensure that the cotton they’re selecting for their sheets is fancy pants enough?

FYI – if this is a career choice I would like to know how to immediately apply.

That said this whole yarn provenance deduction is not an easy endeavor. Sure, any plebeian knows that the best cotton is grown in the Nile River Valley. But you also have to factor in how you like your sheets – crisp, light (that requires a double twisted cotton. And yes I am showing off my cotton skills just in case anyone reading this is looking for the aforementioned yarn provenance super sleuth), heavy, over easy (Oh wait, that’s eggs. My bad.) And if your preference for bed linens is say on the thicker side (#DraftyCastleProblems) Nile River cotton may not be the yarn you want. Hence provenance matters.

After you’ve established the birthplace of the genus Gossypium (That’s the scientific name for the cotton plant. Oh yeah, you’ve got that right I’m showing off again. Don’t judge. I really want that yarn provenance job. Have I told you I’ve read every Agatha Christie novel? My deduction skills are off the charts.) the next step is making sure the cotton yarn is treated to a trip to Italy to get woven into custom sheets by master craftsmen.

Let’s just stop here for a moment and think about how bespoke bed linens have a better, yes much better, and more exciting life than I do. The Nile, Italy then maybe gracing the VIP suite on a yacht sailing the Mediterranean. Meanwhile a trip to Target is currently the closest I’m getting to a vacation. Sigh.

Another thing that is eliciting a sigh from me is that even if I was wealthy I don’t think I could live in a bespoke linen world. It would be a waste of a talented yarn provenance detective because my bed has been taken over by two dogs and a cat.

It’s their world (okay bed) and I’m just living (laying) in it. With the shedding, muddy paws etc. I’m afraid I’m more of a sheets from Costco kind of girl.

Oh well, I guess sharing my pillow with a beagle who has truly hideous morning breath trumps the bespoke linen life – right?