Seven months ago, I had never heard of Zoom. No, that’s not entirely true. As a child of the 70s I was familiar with “Zoom” and by that I mean the PBS kids show.

Back in the day I was all about “Come on and zooma, zooma, zooma-Zoom!”

I was so into it I begged my mother to let me try out to be a “Zoom Kid.” My pleas were met with one of her signature eye rolls as she took a drag on her Winston Light 100’s cigarette because again it was the 70s.

But this current Zooming we’re all doing was not something I’d ever experienced until the pandemic. Now, I feel like a Zoom veteran. I know this because my Zoom familiarity has morphed into me attaching monikers to almost everyone I interact with on my computer screen.

In my time spent on Zoom I broke down what I think are the five basic personality types that you can expect to find on any multi person computer screen meeting.

My least favorite is the “Pivoter.” This Zoomer after 210 days is still all about letting you know that you have to be agile and open to change.

Yeah, we get it. This is the new normal so you can hop off your pivot soap box. We’re all pivoting. If I pivot anymore I might pass out from dizziness.

The biggest downside to the “Pivoter” is that they seem more focused on pontificating about change than actually doing any what’s that called? Oh yeah, work.

Next is the Zoom “Poser.” This person seems like the employee of the month. He or she is attentive, is actually sitting up straight and appears to be wearing a shirt that’s not wrinkled.

This person also is a busy bee taking lots of notes on a secondary laptop. What you don’t know is that the Poser is actually barely listening and doing work that the Zoom meeting is sucking time from.

The telltale sign of a “Poser” is when asked a question they will ask you to “please repeat it” because there was some “internet drop out on their end” to disguise that they were barely engaged in the meeting.

The “Glamour Zoomer” gets nothing but respect from me. Mainly because I admire anyone who does a full groom for a Zoom meeting. I don’t think I’ve fully brushed my hair since March 14.

These people not only go all out in the use of cosmetics but also have a ring light rig to assure that they’re looking their optimum on screen. They’ve also placed their computer on a stack of books to ensure they’re not looking “double chinny.”

The worst Zoomer has to be the “Comedian.” Aren’t Zoomers suffering enough having to endure a meeting that is hitting the two-hour mark? Does anyone really need it prolonged by witless zingers and jokes so lame they can’t even live up to the subterrain chuckle standards of a dad joke?

Here’s my public service announcement for the day. If you’re not funny in person you will be tragically not hilarious during a Zoom meeting.

Rounding out my Zoom personality profile is the “Constant Commenter.” This person has never met a meeting they didn’t like. Not only can they now easily dominate the on-screen conversation by talking over you but they’ve also brought gifts in the form of multiple PowerPoints.

This is when your only option for survival is to pull the plug on your internet and plead at home connectivity issues.

For the record I’m not saying I’ve ever done this. I’m just saying it works.