Because the internet gods hate me, I’ve been getting emails from a company that’s selling virtual training on how to become a “real writer.” (Currently hoping my newspaper editor didn’t sign me up for this.) Part of their writer “training program” is giving prompts to help “facilitate the creative process.” The latest one was to “describe your greatest achievements.”
Now as far as prompts go this one is a classic. An extremely tired classic because I remember my high school English teacher assigning this topic back in the day to a bunch of 16-year-olds. And when you’re 16 trying to find a great life achievement is a tad challenging. I went with discovering that I could keep my hair from frizzing in the Texas humidity by combining “Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific” shampoo with two tablespoons of mayonnaise.
Sadly, my teacher didn’t think that was much of an achievement because she gave me a C on the paper.
But I’ve decided in honor of this vintage prompt and to redeem the C I got in my junior year of high school I’m going to tackle my greatest achievements once again by sharing my top three proudest moments.
The fact that I survived a three-hour combined middle school band and choir concert in a gymnasium that reeked of foot funk and decades of middle school body odor that had coalesced into a scent so pungent it simultaneously made my eyes water and initiated my gag reflex is one of my legendary triumphs.
After the first hour I was woozy. By the second hour I was using my sweater and Bath and Body Works pumpkin spice hand gel shoved up my nose as a makeshift air purifier. By the third hour I feared I was going to pass out and tumble down the bleachers but somehow, I powered through and made it out alive crying literal tears of joy over this immense personal accomplishment.
Persevering through 17 hours at Disney World during a Florida heat wave where the temperature and humidity index was at a “OMG, am I dying?” was another epic feat. Now add in that while I was in a two-hour line to ride the Seven Dwarf Mine Train I broke up a brawl between three men and one woman beating another man with her Minnie Mouse ears and you have me on a dais accepting a lifetime achievement award.
My last and dare I say greatest accomplishment was enduring a three-hour ride on a school bus with iffy shocks while I had a raging urinary tract infection. But wait there’s more. On this bus was a teacher who was hell bent on not stopping for a single bathroom break. Even I, a field trip chaperone, could not get this teacher to agree to a quick restroom visit.
It got so bad I started making deals with God. As in dear God if you let this bus pull over so I can use the bathroom I promise to immediately start living a life of service and gratitude and maybe even teach Vacation Bible School.
When prayer wasn’t the answer I tried to bribe the bus driver with the only things of value I had on me – $10 and a KitKat bar. But alas, the driver was too scared of the teacher and thus my suffering continued. When I finally got off the bus it was one of the happiest moments in my life and an ode to bladder control.
Sure, classifying these tales of woe as “achievements” might be questionable. But trust me they were huge accomplishments that I have no doubt will triumphantly stand the test of time.
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Hey there, while we’re on the topic of my “achievements” I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my newest book “KILLER DANCE MOM.” 📚 I would be thrilled if you would click on the Amazon link and take a lookie loo. It’s a Snarky mystery 👀 which means it’s a fun and fab whodunnit that takes place at a dance competition. So, lot’s of laughs and crazy coming your way. 🤣 www.amazon.com/dp/B0C4FZTK5B
Snarky in the Suburbs 