A Dear Snarky Holiday Buffet

So many Christmas conundrums. So little time. In an attempt to help spread some holiday happiness I bring you a trio of letters. Let’s hope my answers deliver a soupçon of seasonal sanity to your family gatherings.

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 10.12.49 AMDear Snarky,

My mother-in-law spoils my children and goes overboard with presents. I’ve told her to stop but she won’t listen to me. I don’t think I can handle another Christmas where she’s trying to one up my husband and I in the gift department.

 Signed, Present Overkill

Dear Overkill,

Calm yourself and count your blessings. It’s a grandmother’s prerogative and great joy to spoil her grandchildren. If your kids are drowning in presents, I suggest discreetly donating some of the goodies to charity after the first of the year. P.S. Quit looking so hard for something to get your nose out of joint about. There are parents out there that would be THRILLED for their kids’ grandparents to so much as send a card.

Dear Snarky,

My weirdo and single sister actually expects us to buy a gift for her dog. She says her dog is like her child and since she buys presents for my four kids all the time, we can get her dog something.

Signed, No Way

Dear No Way,

Umm, no way, I say, yes way. Drag yourself off of your high horse and go get your sister’s dog a $10 chew toy and get over yourself. Also, being a pet lover and a single doesn’t make you a weirdo. It probably makes you very happy.

Dear Snarky,

My in-laws make the whole family go to Midnight Mass and I think it ruins Christmas morning for my kids (ages 8 and 10) because they’re so tired the next day. How do I get this tradition to stop?

 Signed, Not a Fan 

Dear Not a Fan,

Grab some caffeine and accept this hard truth. Midnight Mass isn’t going anywhere, and you know where you’re going – uh huh, that’s right to Midnight Mass. So, suck it up, have your kids take a nap and deal with traditions that are older than you are.

*I hope your holidays are drama free BUT if they’re not you know where to send your letter. snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com 😉

Dear Snarky – Things Get Ugly at the Ugly Sweater Party

4a0f3cbda8c8391d599f886f6dc9ec9dDear Snarky,

Every year I have a huge Ugly Christmas Sweater party. People go all out and show up looking horrible and hilarious. All except one guest. She always wears a sexy, skin-tight sweater, with a V-neck so low you can see most of her breasts. When people invariably ask her, “Where’s your ugly sweater?” She purrs back, “This is my ugly sweater” and giggles. It goes on like this the entire night.

My problem is this year I decided to not invite her and she got upset when she found out. She stopped me at school pick up and asked if her “invitation had gotten lost” or been “misplaced.” I was so taken aback I just quickly said no and got back in my car. THEN she had friends, who had been invited, calling me to ask why I hadn’t invited her.

Do I cave and send her an Evite or do I stand my ground? The way I see it it’s my party and I can invite or not invite anyone I want. What I don’t want to happen is this whole not invited thing overshadowing what has always been a great party.

Yours, Ugly Sweater

Dear Ugly,

 There are so many things wrong with your letter I don’t know where to start. First, all adults out there listen up. If you don’t receive a written invitation, Evite, or a phone call about a party please do not assume there must have been a mistake and contact the host or hostess. Instead, go with the logical (and lower self-esteem) assumption that you were not invited and move on. If you are so bereft about not being included in the festivities, for the love of Emily Post, throw your own party.

 Secondly, as an adult, you should never revert back to being in the 7th grade and asking friends to either 1) garner you an invite or 2) badger and/or peer pressure the hostess into putting you on the guest list.

 As for what to do about Sexy Sweater I would stand my ground. It’s a party for f*&k’s sake not an invite to the rapture. If she or anyone else contacts you again about your guest list I would politely, but firmly explain that you felt like the Ugly Sweater party made Sexy Sweater uncomfortable since she seemed to never get into the spirit of the soiree.

 I’m sure all the etiquette books would say to not even delve into why Sexy Sweater wasn’t invited, but I feel like after creating this much of a fuss Sexy Sweater deserves to be called out, just a little, for her cleavage and her crassness.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com or private message me on my Snarky FB page.

**For more Snarky check out my book  Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. 

Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. 

To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link – http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.