Dear Snarky – My Cousin Went Real Life Grinch On My Family’s Christmas

Dear Snarky,

I don’t know if I should be writing you or calling the police because I’m sure my cousin has stolen family Christmas gifts. It all started when my cousin who lives near most of my family  (mom & dad, grandparents, and two sisters) and who is working from home due to pandemic volunteered to be the address of choice for the delivery of Christmas gifts.

His reasoning was that because he is always at home the boxes could be delivered to his house and then he would make sure that they were given to the family members that also lived in town.

Apparently, there has been a lot of porch pirates in the area and he volunteered his home as a “safe space” for delivery.

My brother, who also, like me, lives far away, agreed with me that it was a great idea and we both used his address when we ordered presents online for family members.

Fast forward and my cousin is now saying he didn’t receive any of the packages although I not only have tracking information that shows the packages delivered but Amazon sent pictures of the packages on my cousin’s front porch.

When I confronted him with all of this he blamed “porch pirates” and said the postal service “lies all the time about deliveries.”

I know that it’s all total bullshit. How do I make him give family members their gifts? My brother is sure that he has probably sold them and wants to call the police.

This makes me sick to my stomach to accuse a relative of theft right before Christmas. I’m so torn up inside I don’t know what to do.

Signed, Devastated and Confused

Dear Devastated and Confused,

Umm, why is there even any question of calling the police? Your cousin needs his ass kicked. He went real life Grinch on you. Let’s put the gall of stealing from family on the back burner for a second and talk about what you need to do right now.

  1. Call the police and tell them what you told me. You and your brother each need to file a report.
  2. If you know any of your cousin’s neighbors ask them to please check their porch camera video and see if they show your cousin receiving packages and/or getting them from his front porch.
  3. Do a family SOS. Yes, that’s right tell your entire family what has happened and hope that the onslaught of shaming will make your cousin cough up the gifts that hopefully he didn’t sell.

Now as for your cousin – he is POS. I believe that he planned to take the gifts all along. Hence his offer and laying the seed that porch pirates have a been a big problem.

So, this means you show him no mercy. (Sorry, not sorry.) He planned and plotted to steal not just material items from family members but your Christmas joy and faith in humanity. (I’m this close to quoting that classic Dr. Seuss line about “Christmas doesn’t come from a store” but I don’t think it applies to when family members steal.)

I’m so very sorry this happened to you. Seriously, hasn’t 2020 sucked enough?

Try to stay positive although I know it’s going to be hard.

If you have a question for Dear Snarky – advice with an attitude – email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉