Dear Snarky – My Parents Ruined the Holidays Forever

Dear Snarky,

I can’t believe I’m writing to you and I can’t believe what just happened to me and my sisters over the holidays.

The cluster f*%k started at Thanksgiving when my parents announced after dinner that they were getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage. We were all shocked. (I have two older sisters.) My parents, at least we all thought, had a storybook marriage. People would even comment on their marriage, that’s how good it seemed. But my parents told us they had grown apart – blah, blah, blah.

One of my sisters was so upset after their announcement that she threw up her entire Thanksgiving dinner. The reason my parents gave for telling us at Thanksgiving was that they wanted to tell all of us at the same time and in person.

They then said that they were going to “co-share” the house and get it ready to go on the market so they would probably still be living together till the spring. They also said we were welcome for Christmas at their house but it might feel a little different so they would understand if we decided to celebrate Christmas at your own homes or go to our in-laws.

We all opted to go to our parents for Christmas because this could be the last time we would all have Christmas together and we secretly hoped since our parents were “co-sharing” the house that there might be a chance they would change their minds about divorcing.

Well, that sure as hell didn’t happen. We show up on Christmas morning and everything is perfect just like it’s always been but later on in the evening my mom’s new, I’m going to call it boyfriend, comes over to drop off a gift and “meet the girls.” Then not to be outdone my dad’s “girlfriend” shows up for a little family meet and greet.

My sisters and I are furious and heartbroken that my parents’ ruined Christmas with this stunt after already ruining Thanksgiving and can’t believe they couldn’t hold off on “meet my new hook up” until after the holidays.

At this point we think they’ve totally blown up the family and we now associate the holidays with trauma. I’m not sure I can even be in the same room or look at my parents for a very long time. My sisters and I have decided to block our parents out of our lives in an attempt to heal but it’s just been two days and now I’m thinking it seems harsh?

What’s your advice?

Signed, Sad Daughter

Dear Sad,

Yes, parents getting divorced is traumatic even for adult children with families of their own. It’s a huge change in the dynamic and can be very hard to navigate and adjust to.

I can also feel your sadness at all of this happening over the holidays. No one wants a divorce announcement with their pumpkin pie. I do understand your parents wanting to tell all of you at the same time but I’m with you – did they have to do it at Thanksgiving especially when I get the feeling everyone lives fairly close to each other?

That said the whole Thanksgiving announcement is done so you need to move on and realize a lot can happen in a year and that you’ll probably be in a much better place emotionally by Turkey Day 2022 most especially if you start new traditions like having you or one of your sisters host the meal.

Now on to Christmas. Yes, if life were a Hallmark movie your parents would have fallen in love again by the time the last present was unwrapped, but unfortunately real life is a lot more messy – hence the introduction of the new “special friends.”

I’m not going to say I understand the Christmas evening pop ins but I will tell you that your parents are human beings with complex emotions and needs just like you. Maybe their marriage has been more like a roommate situation for years hence the fact that they have no problem “co-sharing” the house till it sells.

This means that both could have been yearning for who knows how long for an emotional and dare I say sexual connection with another person and they both have found it. I understand you and your sisters being devastated that things will never be the same again. But just as you’ve grown up and moved on, so have your parents. They don’t owe you the perfect holidays you had as a child for infinity and beyond.

It’s time to accept that your parents’ lives are changing and deal with it. The worst thing you can do is “block” them. It seems like your parents have been very good to you and your sisters and you have a loving family. By blocking them you are in essence throwing a temper tantrum.

I suggest that you instead take baby steps and let yourself get used to the changes but also be an adult and tell your parents that you love them even if they are no longer the dream couple you always imagined they were.

If you have an issue, question, or concern for Dear Snarky please email me at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com. 😉 Please note letters might be edited for length and language.

9Comments

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1

Cheryl on December 28, 2021 at 11:34 am

Your response is alot more, shall we say “diplomatic” than mine would have been. Holy hell ladies, your parents have the right to live their lives. I am in no way saying that divorce, at any age, is easy and won’t come with a whole bag of emotions, but expecting things to remain the same? Come on. You had a month to come to terms, at least a little bit, with their announcement. They also warned you things would be different if you CHOSE to come at Christmas. My advice would have been something more along the lines of “Are you kidding me? Grow up! The only thing that ruined Christmas is your expectations!”
- 2
  
  snarkyinthesuburbs on December 28, 2021 at 12:00 pm
  
  I love your response! I think adult children forget that their parents actually do have lives.
3

The Quirky Therapist on December 28, 2021 at 12:07 pm

I genuinely feel sympathy for the kids here. Indeed, there are ways to respond appropriately and ways to not, and you very eloquently pointed out most of them. However, in families where the parents fought constantly throughout the kids’ childhoods, the kids’ reaction may have been “what the heck took so long? It’s about time!” In this situation, though, the kids have been blindsided. It may take them significantly longer to come to terms with the divorce. In the meantime, as a therapist, I would call this situation “job security.” I hope the kids find good therapists to help them sort out their responses and feelings surrounding learning that their childhoods may have been fictional.
4

Leslie Wilson on December 28, 2021 at 12:27 pm

I agree with your response and I too appreciate your diplomatic approach, as my initial reaction was also a bit more harsh in nature. One might suspect that the parents were holding off sharing the news of their divorce as long as possible considering that they both appear to be dating again. Perhaps, as adults themselves, these ladies might consider what they would want if the roles were reversed. What if they were coming home to tell their parents that they were getting divorced from a partner that the entire family loved? How would they want their parents and siblings to react? With unconditional love and support, regardless of the pain inflicted on everyone? Or with judgement and anger? Either way…sending positive thoughts to them for a peaceful resolution.
5

C Anne on December 28, 2021 at 1:07 pm

How lucky you are your parents are behaving like adults and being respectful to each other. Count your blessings and stop being a whiny snowflake!
6

Diane on December 28, 2021 at 1:23 pm

Love your response. The parents could have done separate meet and greets at a later date. That was a bit of an avalanche
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  snarkyinthesuburbs on December 28, 2021 at 9:05 pm
  
  It was indeed that.
8

Nancy on December 28, 2021 at 1:31 pm

Wow. This sounds like the life I’m living right now. Thanks for your matter of fact response. Would love my adult children to read it. And take it to heart.
9

Rebel on December 29, 2021 at 9:33 am

As someone who went through their parents divorce as an adult, it is traumatic. Mine was right after Christmas & before the birth of my first child but it wasn’t amicable. So I spent most of that year that should have been focused on my daughter dealing with my mother’s emotional issues at having been left.

I know you’ll have trouble seeing it right now but the biggest gift here is that your parents are mutually happy with the decision and completely amicable about the split. Future big events will not be mired in politics of how to include both parties and you won’t be forced to “side” with anyone in the divorce. Please take some time to process your feelings, maybe enter a short therapy session and work out your own disillusionment of your parents happy marriage. A marriage that ends is not necessarily a marriage that failed, it sounds like this one has simply outlived its purpose to your parents.