A Very Snarky Christmas

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One of my favorite things about the holidays is baking. It gives me an excuse to feast on cookie dough. Yeah, I know you’re not supposed to because of the whole “raw egg can kill you” thing, but God bless Betty Crocker if that’s what sends me to the great beyond so be it. I’m one of those people who thinks that sometimes the dough if better than the finished product. I have a theory, well more of an ongoing research project, that the prettier the cookie the worse it tastes.

Take the elaborately decorated sugar cookie – not so yummy. The first clue the cookie is going to be all for show is that you can actually tell what it is. Of course, you know it’s a cookie, but I mean you can tell it’s Rudolph or Santa’s sleigh because the frosting doesn’t overwhelm the shape. This is a warning. It means the frosting is not buttercream. It’s the demon spawn of buttercream . . . royal icing.

Royal icing in the cookie world is like a beauty contestant  – all style no substance. And by substance I mean no rich, buttery, melt in your mouth, goodness. Do you know what’s in royal icing? Things like water and meringue powder. Does that say delicious to you? Of course it doesn’t, but people use it because it does nifty things like “harden”, maintains a “high gloss” and works like “cement.” Based on those descriptions you might as well spray your cookies with Extra Hold Aqua Net. I’m sure the taste would be about the same.

This is why I’m pro the less attractive sugar cookie or the cookie that would win Miss Congeniality (robust personality, but not that cute) in the baked goods beauty pageant. Because a cookie that has you wondering if it’s supposed to be shaped like a Christmas stocking or a vacuum cleaner usually means it’s got a delicious, overlay and overload of  buttercream frosting. That said, do not make the mistake, like I did, of taking Miss Congeniality cookies to a cookie exchange. Your feelings could get hurt.

What’s up with these cookie exchanges? I swear it’s like sorority rush or the NFL draft (which having been in a sorority and having watched the NFL draft I’m here to tell you both of these institutions have way more in common than you would think). You go into the party with your platters of cookies and then people select, maybe bid, on the ones they want to take home. Well, my Miss Congeniality cookie was the lonely girl sitting solo in the middle school cafeteria. There wasn’t one taker.

The real taste bud taser was that a woman who brought multi colored “cookie presents” was acting like she had just won Top Chef and guests were oohing and ahhing over her treats. How many Mistletoe Mojitos had these women consumed? Couldn’t they tell these squares were made out of Fruity Pebbles cereal and melted marshmallows? It was just a jacked up Rice Krispy Treat. Sure, Mrs. Top Chef had decorated each square to look like a present with a fondant bow, but that still didn’t excuse her hubris. She kept talking about the “flavor profile” of her cookies. Really? Fruity Pebbles cereal has a flavor profile? What is it red dye and palm oil?

This is when I kind of panicked. I felt sorry for my cookies and I wanted them to find a good home. So, I thought WWPDD (What Would the Pillsbury Doughboy Do)? I tell you what he would do. It would be not let a mighty fine sugar cookie made with the finest of ingredients get bested by freaking Fruity Pebbles. So, I went for the soft spot of any cookie exchange – caloric content.

The cookie exchange is quite the dichotomy. You have a bunch of women wearing Spanx, who work out twice a day and have either just finished a juice cleanse or are about to start one surrounded by their mortal enemies – carbohydrates and sucrose. So, I shared that my cookies were more energy bars than desserts. (People will eat an energy bar that has as many calories as a Snicker as long as they think it’s full of “good carbs.”) Then I backed up that claim with more fabrications. I might have casually mentioned that protein powder was mixed in with the flour and that a flax and sesame seed oil reduction replaced most of the butter.

Before you could say Merry Christmas women were putting down those Fruity Pebbles squares and going for my Miss Congenialities. Was it wrong of me to lie? Of course, but it’s the holidays and my gift to everyone was guilt free eating. Sorry, but I can’t feel bad about that – ever.

There’s more Snarky coming your way in book form!  (Two books to be exact.) Come on, admit it, your holidays would be so much better with a heaping helping of Snarky. And because I adore you so very much all you need to do is just click on one of the links and presto you can get yourself some Snarky for only, wait for it, wait for it, 99 cents!  You can buy it for your Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.  It’s also available for the Nook or you can get it for your Kobo reader. Click on a link and give it a test read. 🙂

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55 thoughts on “A Very Snarky Christmas

  1. The Wifely Person says:

    Loved it. It captures my feelings about the season perfectly!

    [Note: Typo in the electrical distribution section. “(Bad from don’t you think to use your neighbor’s electricity without asking?)”

    Did you mean Bad FORM?

  2. Suzanne says:

    OMG! Funniest story ever! But why are there no pictures of the island of misfit inflatables on this post? PLEASE post some soon!

    I have to ask, are you afraid the horrible Barbara will retaliate soon? Is she the kind that would put a flaming bag of dog shit on your front door step and ring the bell?

    I have to think that some of her snooty friends saw the pure genius in this wonderful spectacle of Christmas cheer.

    Also – please give more details on the smoke bomb incident. What ever happened to the I will save 8 Kindergarten spots woman? I can’t believe the school wasn’t onto such nonsense and put a stop to it.

    I so want to move next door to you.

    • snarkyinthesuburbs says:

      As for Barbara she can bring it because I’m looking forward to it. The school still does the first come, first serve sign up for Kindergarten. Smoke Bomb mom and her pack of friends kids got put on a waiting list and then choose to do private full day kindergarten.

      • Suzanne says:

        It sounds like the school is better off without them.

        As to your husband’s no picture policy – probably sound. (However, I hope you have a few pictures on your phone, coz if I ever have the pleasure of meeting you at a blog conference I’m going to ask you show them to me underneath the table.)

  3. Angela says:

    Oh, wow, that’s fantastic. I am sorry I missed that. Where do you live, because I am moving to your neighborhood! My kids would be completely on board with plans like this.

    My rule when my kids were growing up, and it was pretty much the only one…at least the big one…was, “Don’t do anything that is going to get me on the 6:00 news.”

  4. Kim Lancaster Furnell says:

    Oh, that is just pure, evil, WONDERFUL GENIUS!!!! My son and his video game buddy are now wondering why Mom is laughing so hard over the computer. You should put a disclaimer on this one though–do not read while consuming liquids or with a semi-full bladder. Please relieve yourself prior to reading. 😉 I bow to your greatness, and really wished you lived in my neighborhood.

  5. Tracey says:

    So stinkin’ funny Snarky! You must’ve collected “Mr. No Ball’s” cojones before actually pulling the trigger on these shenanigans. I’m with Kim – I too bow to your greatness!
    Thank you for the rare occasion when I do sit in front of the computer and laugh audibly – over and over! More often than not, the laughs are coming from Snarky!
    Merry Christmas to you and yours,
    Tracey

  6. Angie says:

    Aww Snarky! I ❤ You! From one Swagger Wagon (aka Sienna) drivin' Mama to another…you are my hero! Happy Holidays! (((Hugs)))

  7. TheNextMartha says:

    I can’t even tell you how I wish this was my story. WISH! This is something I would do in a heartbeat. God, I love you for this. I don’t even know you and I feel like we could be friends.

  8. richard monroe says:

    Hi there,
    A couple of peeps in my tribe on triberr asked I send you an invite. Triberr is a great resource for getting your blog out there by other members of your ‘tribe’ tweeting out your blog posts to all of their twitter followers. In our tribe, we also send posts out via Stumble Upon. Please let me know if you have any interest in joining up or learning more about it.
    cheers and keep up the good work – new reader and fan.
    Richard Monroe aka Bob ButterBottom

  9. Jill Lawson says:

    I seriously REALLY needed to laugh today and I hadn’t had a chance to read this one until today – THANK YOU for making my day! Heck, you just made my whole Year 2012!!! You, my favorite blogger ever, are a super-genius!!!

  10. txartist says:

    We are kindred spirits, you and I. A church erected an obnoxious, illegal sign in my rural area. I thanked them with a “pasture Rave”. 48 hours of uninterrupted techno music. Rock On Sista…

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