I judge a person by two things. If they like dogs and television. If it’s a no to either of those then not only can we never be friends, but I really will never trust you. I get being afraid of dogs, but not liking any dog – ever, that’s a sign of serial killer. If you’re one of those people who pride themselves on never watching television or worse don’t own a television then give me a moment while a grab a kleenex and weep uncontrollable for a few minutes. Please know that I pity you and right now, in between snot sobbing, I’m praying that the good Lord see fits to bless you with some sort of TV viewing apparatus very, very soon.
The longest love affair I’ve ever had has been with television. Not once has it let me down. I can’t say that about any other relationship I’ve ever had and that includes my parents and husband. As a young child the first thing I learned to read was the TV Guide. It was so much better then Pat The Bunny and the channel listings were an excellent way to learn my numbers. Every extraordinary fact I’ve ever known has come from television. At times, people will ask me, “How do you know that?” and I quickly reply in my “Are you a dumb ass or what?” voice, “From television, of course.” It was TV, specifically late 70’s early 80’s ABC television, that provided me with the scheme I was hoping would bring Charity Turner to her spray tanned knees.
I grew up watching The Love Boat. Every Saturday night you could find me in front of the TV in my flannel Lanz of Salzburg night-gown eating Jiffy Pop, drinking Tab and singing The Love Boat theme song. “Love exciting and new. Come Aboard. We’re expecting you.” All of this Love Boat due diligence paid off big time when I remembered the episode when Captain Stubing went on a diet. His diet made him grouchy so Julie, Doc, Gopher and Isaac let out his clothes out so he would think he had lost weight and thus brightening his mood. I was going to pull a “Reverse Stubing”. Somehow, I was going to get my hands on Charity’s style show finale wedding dress and shrink that sucker.
This kind of plan called for back up. I would need my troops. I sent out a text to my three best friends (Allison, Kelly, and Nikki) that read, “Charity is going down. Who’s in? My house, after school. I’ve got a mojito mix. Can someone bring a couple of limes?”
As expected everyone showed up to revenge H.Q. – my, non-granite countertop, kitchen. (You know you live in deep suburbia when your judged by the geologic composite of your countertops. I’ve had six-year-old girls come to my house, look at my countertops and say in a disapproving tone, “Eww, this isn’t granite.” Who died and make freaking granite king anyway?) I had Kelly fill ABC (Always Bitter Chick) and Nikki in on what Charity had done/was doing and then I laid out my plan. I first told Kelly she needed to sit this one out. I thought it was best to keep her hands clean. ABC would be providing back up support only. She had a little, okay big, problem with impulse control and I didn’t think this plan was a good fit for her, um, talents. Sweet, kind, unassuming Nikki was my go to girl for this one. The big question – could she pull it off.
(For those of you who don’t keep up Snarky and really shame on you for that. I’m not running a remedial blog people. I’ve included a primer on my best friends called, what else, but “My Friends” read it and get caught up.)
“Okay, ladies,” I said, “Here’s what I’m thinking”
I was then loudly interrupted by children wanting more food. I gave them a big bag of leftover Sweet Tart conversation hearts and told them to chomp away. For those of you thinking, “Bad, bad, mommy” because I threw a one pound bag of conversation hearts that I got for 70% off at Target in the discounted Valentine’s candy aisle at a group of kids for a snack, quit your damn judging. I started out the after school snack bacchanalia with peanut butter and organic Granny Smith apples from Whole Foods. So there.
After I got the kids started on their heart-shaped snack of corn syrup and modified food starch I started over with my plan.
“We all agree that our primary goal is to teach Charity a lesson. Since she deems it okay to call little girls fat I think we should give her a dose of her own medicine. What I’ve come up is the “Reverse Stubing.”
All three of my friends gave me a blank look.
“You know like Captain Stubing, The Love Boat. When Julie and the gang let out his clothes so he thinks he’s lost weight.”
Blank stares continue.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t spend your Saturday nights watching The Love Boat back in the day. It was great! The ship was the Pacific Princess and they had amazing guest stars. Oh my God, my favorite episode was when they had the cast of Charlie’s Angels on the ship. I’m telling you, I know Farrah, God rest her soul, was the popular one, but I was a Kate Jackson kind of girl. Smart, wore a bra and had very sensible hair. Like Farrah could do any real crime fighting with those free range boobs and flowing mane. You can’t really run that hard with your boobs beating you and your hair getting in your face. I, mean, really, at the very least you’d stumble or have to stop to give your nipples a chance to recover from extreme tube top chafing.
ABC says while sucking down her mojito , “Yeah, I think I was doing something called dating and going to parties back then not watching The Love Boat.”
“And by dating,” I ask, “Do you mean letting half the boys in the class of 1983 experience the tactile wonder of what was inside your acid washed jeans?”
“Maybe,” she said smiling and sucking on lime.
“What about you Kelly didn’t you watch The Love Boat?”
“Kind of, but not enough to have an encyclopedic knowledge of every episode. God, wasn’t it on the air forever?”
“Yes, if you can call 9 years and 249 episodes forever. That’s not counting their three made for TV movies.”
Nikki then piped in and said, “I wasn’t born yet when it came on, but I think I might have seen part of an episode on TV Land.”
I threw two limes at her.
“Whatever. Since none of you are blessed, like I am, with the memories of a childhood spent basking in the loving, warm glow of a television set, let me put this another way. You know the “Tramp for Day” wedding gown that Charity always models at the finale of the Style Show we’re going to shrink it. By that I mean Nikki you and I are going to get our hands on the dress and exchange it for a smaller, much smaller size. I want to see Charity try to cram her size 10 body into a size 2 gown. I’m seeing tears and a whole lot of screaming in her future.”
“And just how do you think you and Nikki are going to get a hold of Charity’s dress?” ABC asked.
“That’s easy. We’re going to volunteer to work backstage at the style show.”
“No, I can’t let you do that,” ABC said, “Do you know what you have to do backstage? Basically, you’re a hot mom’s servant. No, that’s wrong, you’re a hot mom’s bitch. This plan has too many holes. First, no hot mom will want you as their bitch and secondly, no one, I repeat no one, will believe you want to work backstage.”
“Duh,” That’s where Nikki comes in. Look at her. So pretty, so young, so sweet. Her breasts so high. Her forehead so wrinkle free. If it wasn’t for us the hot moms would be rushing her for their sorority. The three of us have saved her from being sacrificed on the altar of hotness. They’ll be thrilled she wants to help. They might even think she’s pondering the possibility of going over to the dark side of yoga pants and Uggs. It’s perfect.”
“Okay, ABC said, I get Nikki. But, and no offense here Nikki, she can’t pull this off by herself. Our little Nikki has not had the years of bitterness washing over her to form her into the Four Star General of Revenge we see standing before us today. How is she going to do this solo?”
“She’s not. I’m going to be her partner.”
“How?” Kelly and ABC said in unison.
“I’m going in disguise. Nikki will introduce me as a “new mom” to the school. No one will know it’s me.”
“Oh dear God, NO!” ABC yelled and took a swig straight from the rum bottle.
*Part Three of the Reverse Stubing coming soon.
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