My Friends

(Warning: This is not a new post.  I’m re-running it to give folks a chance to catch up on my friends.  This is necessary for The Reverse Stubing to make sense.)

There’s Allison, who with love, is called “Angry Allison” or ABC. ( It stands for Always Bitter Chick and God, how I adore her.)  She’s always ready to throw down.  ABC currently has two restraining orders filed against her and some serious anger management issues that’s she working very hard to get under control with court mandated therapy. Some people might call her crazy, but I know she just needs the proper outlet for self-expression.

Who can blame Allison for being terminally ticked off?  Her gorgeous husband left her for a guy.  Which in a way was a relief because according to Allison he had some major “performance issues.”  She was glad to finally find out it had nothing to do with her. For years Allison toiled away trying to be the hot wife.  Pilates, protein shakes and bi-weekly waxing were all part of her beauty routine.  What sticks in her crawl about the divorce wasn’t the guy thing so much, but the fact that he left her for a chubby dude and that’s being kind. He’s a super chub that’s got at least a decade on her and he’s bald. Allison can’t get over all the years she wasted torturing herself into physical perfection so she could get dumped for an AARP chunk who’s Chairman of the Board of the Diminished Follicle Institute.  Life really isn’t fair, but she got three handsome, rowdy boys out of the marriage so that’s a W.

Kelly is the cool head of our group. She’s the one I always ask, “Do you think I could get sued for that?”  Kell is a brainic with a Masters in Tax Accounting and worked as an IRS auditor. She’s a number cruncher extraordinary with some OCD issues.  When her twins came along she quit her job (She said the “daycare germs haunted her.”) and now is a stay at home mom with vats of hand gel at the ready.  Little did she know that her quality eduction would make her prime volunteer meat.

Every non-profit board in town wants her to be their treasurer.  She has a problem saying no to people and currently is the treasurer for both the PTA and a Home Owners Association. Which is excellent.  It never hurts to have someone on the inside. Kelly is also a M.M.R. -  Mean Mom Reformed. (I blame the IRS.)  Allison and I rescued her from her life of terminally bitchdom two years ago.  It took a weekend holed up at a Hyatt Place and some Jingle Juice (don’t ask), but we got her de-programmed and Kelly has never once venture back to the dark side.

Nikki is just 30, gorgeous and a bit naive. This is a woman so good and so kind that light emanates from within. I’m pretty sure she probably glows in the dark.  Why she chooses to be my friend, who knows?  I think I could possibly be a charity case for her or a project to see if she can heal my evil ways.  There are even times I think she’s an angel that’s been sent her from heaven to reform me so she can earn her wings.

Nikki has two kids.  One she still carries on her hip.  The other is in first grade.  We became fast friends when I rescued her from a trio of moms trying to “persuade” her to take on chair of the Gift Wrap and Cookie Dough Sale.  I took one look at her young, innocent, fresh face and knew she didn’t have what it takes to stop these women from ruining her life for the next couple of months.  So, I stepped in and fibbed by telling them she was already helping me with the newsletter and directory so she couldn’t take on anymore responsibilities.

Every seasoned mom knows chairing the Gift Wrap and Cookie Dough sale is a brutal and thankless task.  You’ve got the sales part, the money collecting, the order form tallying, the delivery of items ordered to each kid and you always get stuck finding homes for tubs of very perishable cookie dough that some kid(s) never pick up.  You’ve also got some asinine, unrealistic sales goal the PTA board sets for you to hit.  Watch your back if the sale doesn’t make enough money.  For the rest of the school year you get to hear this pious whine from board members, “Well, if the Gift Wrap sale had only made it’s goal we could be doing more for the school.”

After I saved Nikki from gift wrap and cookie dough hell she’s been a loyal friend and at times, my conscience.