Undercover Snarky – The Finale

It was time.  At exactly 6:30 I was in the safe haven of the Target parking lot.  It was our pre-determined rendezvous point. I was leaving my car here and Eleanor would be picking me up.  I was ready for battle.  I had on full makeup – serum, eyeliner, the works and my arms hurt from using a round brush to blow dry my hair.  My flab was tucked away under a double layer of Spanx, well really triple layer, if you count the compression properties of Spanx black “Tight End” tights. (Black tights are the only way a true cankle sufferer will expose her deformity,) I wore my “I mean business” outfit, of a Boden black wrap dress, blazer and heels that would put me at a little over 6 feet tall.  I needed the height.  The PTF board would be on a raised dais and I would be speaking from the floor.  I wanted to make sure I could not be easily dismissed.  I also carried my black with navy trim Coach Outlet brief case/bag.  Full disclosure here, I bought it a couple of years ago because I thought is was a briefcase satchel with lots of nifty compartments. Come to find out it’s a friggin diaper bag! (What a fitting metaphor for my life.) My final touch was an upgrade from a spritz of Gain Febreze to the newly released limited edition Febreze Seaside Spring & Escape. (I had a coupon.)  The whole hair, makeup, dress outfit were doing duty.  I wanted to convey a “I’ve been at an office being smarter than you” vibe and it was also a disguise. I don’t normally look this way so if I ever run into to anybody that saw me at the meeting they wouldn’t recognize me. I sat in my car checking out my makeup in the rearview mirror when I saw Eleanor pull up.  Wow, she looked good!  I think this was the first time either of us had seen each other in something besides jeans.  I grab my diaper bag/briefcase, take one more glance at myself, hop out of my car and them almost wipe out because I had forgotten I had heels on.

I get in Eleanor’s front seat and ask, “Is everyone in position?”

“Yep, All Business and Moisturize More are already at the school. Cute Blonde is waiting to make an entrance and Orphan Annie is on stand by in the school parking lot.”

“Excellent.”

We get the school and I go in first.  Eleanor follows me in about three minutes later with Orphan Annie not far behind.  I didn’t want anybody to know that we’re together.  I approach the cafeteria and gasp.  Imagine if you will the Kardashians running an elementary school meeting. I’ll give you a second to get that image in your head. Got it?  Okay, now I’ll continue.  As you enter the cafeteria there is a portable smart board set up with pictures of the PTF board members.  These aren’t images of the board volunteering at the school or chaperoning a second grade field trip taken with someone’s I phone.  Oh no, think professional grade glamour shots with a wind machine.  There are single shots of each board member and group shots. Each one serving up a side of cleavage and some pouty lip action.  My favorite was a black and white head shot of Priscilla Davis with bare shoulders, her neck extended, her face kind of arching towards the camera, the “wind” blowing her hair back and her glossy lips slightly parted.  In PG 13 terms it looked like she was about to get the backdoor ride of her life. If you know what I mean and I think you do.  While this photo collage was unfolding on the Smart Board the top 40 hit, “I’m Sexy and I Know It” was being played.  I don’t know if it was coordinated with the Smart Board or if the custodian had a radio on, but parents were entering the cafeteria to the lyrics of, “Girl look at that body, girl look at that body, girl look at that body I work out.”

I’m stopped from entering any further into the cafeteria by the sign in table. Parents are waiting about 10 deep in line to sign in. This is not something I want to do so I pretend I see someone I know and bypass the table.  Except an frisky PTF board member whose whole appearance shouts, “I vajazzle!” stops me.

“Excuse me, but all parents must sign in before entering the meeting.”

“Yes, I know. I’ll be right back to sign in, but I must talk to that other mom over there for just a second.”

Vajazzle didn’t seem like she was going to let me pass so I did my version of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for” and said, “You have the prettiest skin.  I need to talk to you later about what you’re doing. You look amazing.”

That’s all it took to get past Vajazz and get the seat I wanted.  The last row by the exit door to the parking lot.  I sit down and smile when I see Cute Blonde working the room.  She didn’t let me down.  She was hot in a denim mini skirt with stretch boots that went over her knee. The best part about the outfit was the top. It was a tight long sleeve scoop neck t-shirt and oh God Bless her, Cute Blonde appeared to be bra less.  She didn’t have huge boobs.  In fact, she was kind of what I would call a small B cup, but she had young boobs.  Extremely pert, naturally sag free, 100% organic breasts that showed no sign of stretch marks, breast-feeding wear and tear or any other of the ravages of time that slowly teach our “twins” to touch our toes.  I was impressed and I was pretty sure every women in the room hated her which was just what I wanted.  The PTF board couldn’t keep their eyes off of her. They keep on staring and whispering. It totally distracted them from the storm that was brewing.

Right before 7 o’clock Orphan Annie walked over and sat beside me.  I wanted her next to me.  She was our weak link and I needed to keep an eye on her to make sure she didn’t blow it.  She was also my ride out of here. I was pleased to see she was sans mustache.  Moisturize More was standing by the dais. She looked so good I might have shorten her name to just More. As I was staring at her she tripped and the contents of her purse dumped out of the dais.  Cute Blonde went over to help her tidy up.  The air got sucked out the room when Cute Blonde bent way over and gave everyone in the first couple rows of seats a look down her shirt.  All Business was in the fourth row.  She had on a suit and her hair had been given a professional blow out. Eleanor was on an aisle seat seven rows back. The meeting didn’t start until 7:05 because that’s how long it took for the “Pussy Cat Dolls” of Spring Creek Elementary to strut up on the dais.  Board president Priscilla Davis grabbed the microphone and did the fling and shake with her hair like she was filming a shampoo commercial.  My feeling is when you are legally of age to buy alcohol you need to remove “hair flinging” from your repertoire.  She then called the meeting to order.

The first 10 minutes were all about the pledge of allegiance, the parent and teacher welcome, approving the minutes from the last meeting and then, finally, we got to the good stuff  – voting on the slate of officers.  It was go time.

I stand up, walk into the aisle and raise my hand making it impossible not to notice me, but alas, the board president attempts to do just that.  I then use one of two “gifts” the Lord gave me, the ability to amplify my voice without the aid of a microphone.  “Pardon me,” I say, “Pardon.”  Everyone turns around and looks at me (remember I’m in the back row) thus forcing Priscilla to acknowledge my presence

She growls, “Yes.”

“Hi everyone,” I say, “I’m Sam’s mom”

(Sam being the most common boy’s name at the school and as every women reading this knows once you have a kid any introduction of yourself for the next 18 years will begin with “I’m _____ mom.  Also, it’s a safe bet if you’re trying to infiltrate a school that you pretend to be the mother of a boy.  The mothers of girls know each other better. I think it’s because the mom/daughter connection fosters more gossip due to an estrogen fueled “need to know” quest.  I also find that generally the moms with a higher daughter to son ratio will be the ones that run the school. I’m not saying its’ right. I’m just saying that’s the way it is.)

“And one of my New Year’s resolutions was to become more involved in my son’s school. (There’s a slight chuckle from the audience.) So, here I am!  I just want to say that I have a . . .

(The next three words I’m about to say, will, if all goes right, be the beginning of BBG (Bitches Be Gone).

“Point of Order.”  I don’t believe we can vote on the slate of officers until the entire membership, that’s all of us here, vote on the changes that were made to the bylaws that allow officers to serve more than two years. So, what I’m thinking is that the new bylaws need to be voted on first and if that passes then we can vote on the proposed slate of officers.”

Priscilla fires back in a bored tone (like how dare the little people annoying me), “But the bylaw changes were already approved in an executive session meeting the board had last month.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I must not have made myself clear, the board can not approve any bylaw changes without a full vote of the membership. That means it’s great that all of you voted it in (as I’m saying this I use a sweeping arm gesture to indicate the board) but it really means nothing until the membership votes.”

All Business stands up and shouts out, “Yes, what’s she saying is 100% correct. We need to vote on the bylaw changes first.”

Then a rogue mom jumps up to speak. I’m thinking she’s the enemy because she’s wearing fur.  Who wears a full length fur with jeans to a school meeting? It’s not even cold enough for a fur. (Granted it’s better than horsey pants with a fur, but still it’s a little wrong.) It went from bad to worse when the first words out of her mouth were, “When I was Junior League President.”

Holy mother of God, I now have a Furry former Junior League President to deal with. Crap. Faithful Snarky readers know I was, back in the day, kind of, kicked out the Junior League  (See: So, I Was Kicked Out of the Junior League – Is that So Wrong?)  so I don’t exactly have the warmest feelings towards the organization.  I have to be careful or Furry will hijack the whole meeting. I don’t want to yield any of my power so I stay standing.  I give All Business a look and she also doesn’t sit down.

Furry Junior League continues with, “We at the Junior League followed the strictest code of parliamentary procedure in accordance with the Junior League policy on meeting conduct so I must take an exception to Sam’s mom statement that the membership has to vote on the bylaw changes.  First, we have to vote on rather to vote on the bylaw changes.”

Great, I’m thinking death by Parliamentary Procedure, and really how many times can one woman work Junior League into a sentence, but at least the Furry J.L. backed me up – kind of.  I’m pretty sure she’s wrong about the vote about the vote, but what the hell I need to move this meeting along.

I say, “So we need a motion from the floor to vote on rather to vote on the new bylaws.

All Business makes the motion, Moisturize more seconds it and it sounded like everyone said, “Aye” meaning it was time to move on to the actual vote on the bylaw changes.

Priscilla, clearly aggravated as signaled by her repeated lip gloss applications, keeps trying to push everyone to vote on the bylaw changes.  She says, “Enough of this let’s vote on the bylaws.”

I hop up again, “Sorry, to be such a pain, but I believe before we vote you need to entertain any discussion from the floor about the bylaw changes.”

Priscilla sighs, kind of stamps her foot while picking at a cuticle and very quickly says, “Alright, is there any discussion from the floor. I’m thinking no, so let’s go to the vote.”

Eleanor springs out of her seat and yells, “I’d like to discuss it.”

I shout, “Me too, because I’m thinking you ladies are saints to want to be PTF board members AGAIN.  Give yourself a much-needed break and let someone else do the heavy lifting.”

This gets the crowd talking.  Priscilla, looks just the slightest bit panicked and I see her glancing at her other board members.

She then almost eats her microphone and says, “It’s not a problem.  We all love volunteering.  We’re all about the kids.”

Orphan Annie jumps up and goes 100% off script and yells, “Yeah, it’s all about your own kids not yours!”

Which was all Cute Blonde needed to hear.  She says, “Hey, Priscilla how many times has your daughter gotten Student of the Month?  Three times?  Is that how you’re all about the kids?”

The crowd is now getting into it.  Awesomeville! Priscilla is banging her gavel which she or someone has glued crystals to so it looks like something a judge would use if they were holding court in a strip club.

I then go to part 2 of the plan. Part 1 was to stir the pot and get things to a boil. Part 2 was to give the principal a little ass whooping.  I signal to Moisture More and by holding up the peace sign.  She moves out into the aisle and says, “Let’s all speak one at a time so everyone can be heard.”

This does the trick and as the crowd gets semi-quiet. I say, “I’m new to this whole volunteering thing, but and I guess this question goes to the principal how do moms get to pick things like student of month and decide what child gets an award. Isn’t that your job and the teachers?  Why would you abdicate that responsibility to parents. I mean, talk about a conflict of interest. You can’t expect a mom to not think her kid is award-winning.” (With that I get my second chuckle of the meeting.)

The principal stands up and walks towards the front of the cafeteria. I know this type of principal very well.  He’s about 20 months shy of retirement, will do just about anything not to rock the boat and that includes letting (let’s use the political correct term for these moms) “strong willed” parents run roughshod over him as long as they don’t go bugging anybody at the district level. He looks right at me and says, “Now who are you?”

I say with a great, big, proud mommy smile, “Sam’s mom!”  So, why are you letting the PTF board do this.  It’s a clear violation of FERPA. The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act.

(Pausing a minute here to give a shout out to some alert Snarky Facebook friends who several months ago told me about FERPA.  Little did I know then that I could use this knowledge to give a lackluster principal a spanking.  That said, I don’t think FERPA really applied to this situation, but what the hell, it got the job done.)

He hems and haws a little bit and says, “Well, seeing that the PTF pays for the awards I didn’t see a problem when they approached me about taking over the award process completely.”

“That sir,” I say, “Sucks!”

For a nano second total silence and then, lead by my team, the crowd breaks out in applause.

Not waiting for the applause to die down, I add, “I will be going to the district with this, like, tomorrow.  I’m very disappointed in your leadership skills” and then for the first time in 10 minutes I sit down.

All Business stand up and says, “I think based on what we’ve heard from other parents that I’m going to make a motion that we do not approve the new by laws.”

Furry JL pops up and says, “I second it, but I think the board should get a chance to speak.”

One dad, says very sarcastically, “Haven’t they’ve done enough?”

All Business takes back control and says, “Let’s vote first.”

The Ays had it.  The new bylaws went in the toilet.

Priscilla gets her feet, leers at all of us and croaks out, “Well, without the new bylaw changes approved you don’t have a slate of PTF officers.  Have you thought of that?”

Eleanor says, ‘Yes, we have.”  She reaches down into her Whole Foods tote bag and pulls out a bunch of papers and says,”I’d like to hand out this proposed slate of officers for everyone to look at and approve for the January 2012 – January 2013 school year.”

Orphan Annie, More, Cute Blonde and Eleanor all get up to help pass out the papers.  Priscilla is back sitting down on the dais and she’s whisper bitching up a storm with her officers.  As the last of the papers are being passed out she stands up, grabs the microphone and says, “I make a motion that we wait one month until the next PTF meeting to vote on this proposed slate of officers.”

I stand up and say, “No one, I mean not a soul, second this. The last thing you need to do is give these women 30 days (I’m now making jabbing gestures into the air with my fingers) to come up with another way to screw you over and by that I mean screw your kids over.”

God, this was FUN!!!  And then I see Horsey Pants stand up and she smiles at me.  “Oh crap,”I’m thinking,“Here comes that screw over.”

Horsey says, “I make a motion that we vote on the proposed slate of officers right now. A whole out with the old (she says that while staring at Priscilla) and in with the new kind of thing.”

Cute Blonde quickly seconds.

All Business says, “All in favor?”

You hear a rather loud cry of “Ayes!”

The PTF board on the dais looks ready to cry and then Furry J.L. stands up and says, “I think this was done incorrectly.  The motions from the floor could be invalidated because some of the officers that were on the slate made the motions indicating a conflict of interest.”

Which was true.  All Business was slated and just voted in as the President, Eleanor is the new treasurer. Cute Blonde is Fundraising, Moisturize More is Teacher Liaison and Orphan Annie is recording secretary.

Before Furry J.L. could get ruin all our hard work with her “True Life Adventures of a Junior League President” I initiate the chaos contingency plan to end the meeting fast. We got what we wanted and now everyone needed to vacate the premises – pronto.

I went to the idea I had when I first saw Pricilla’s Goldilock’s tresses at Starbucks – Head Lice.

I stand up again, put on my reading glasses and walk towards the dais, bend down, jump back and yell, “Oh my God, there’s head-lice all over this floor under this table.

Moisturize More runs up and says, “Priscilla you have nits on you right now!  Lice love chemically processed hair!”

Priscilla screams bloody murder, the rest of the 6 Kardashian board member jump out of their chairs, scream and because it’s human nature when something is “allegedly” on you – shake their hair.

I yell,”For God’s Sakes stop shaking your infested manes. All of you are lice bombs. Everyone clear out!”

In actuality, I had taken tiny white sesame seeds purchased from an Oriental Market and given them to Moisturize More.  When her purse “accidently” dumped out on the dais before the meeting she and Cute Blonde sprinkled the seeds underneath the table.  The seeds looked enough like lice, if someone called attention to them, to cause a freak out, which was all I needed.

Horsey Pants, giddy ups and follows my clear out command with, “God Priscilla isn’t this like the third time you’ve had head lice?”

“Well played,”Horsey Pants, “Well played.”

As people rush to distance themselves from Team Head Lice I get Orphan Annie and we walk towards the lone back door in the cafeteria and exit.  The cold breeze feels good and I start looking for a BMW sports car.  All I see is the damn conversion van.  I look at Orphan Annie and say, “The Van?! I thought we were getting your husband’s car?”

“Oh,” she says, “He wouldn’t let me use it.”

“Wouldn’t let you?” I’m thinking I need to release myself from my vow of never offering marital advice sooner than later.

“Whatever,” I say, “Let’s get out of here.”

We both climb into the beast, it takes two tries to get the engine to turn over and after about 3 minutes were off school property and headed to the Target parking lot.

I look over at her, smile and go,  “Say it.”

“Say what?” she asks.

“You know what I’m talking about. Just say it.  You can do it.  It will feel good and I won’t tell a soul.”

She looks at me, laughs and goes, “I can’t.  I really can’t.”

“Come on.  You can do it.  Just blurt it out.”

Okay, that was Ffffffff’ing Awesome!!”

I laugh and say, “Yeah, it sure was.”

Epilogue:  A New Officers Board Meeting Training is set for this Friday.  To date the previous, ousted board members have yet to turn in their notebooks to the women taking over their positions which is probably just as well, what with the “lice”, and all.  Also, the day after the board meeting the children at Spring Creek Elementary had to eat lunch in their classroom because the janitorial staff, following District procedure, had to give the cafeteria a “deep clean

Snarky Note: This recounting of events, in no way, represents all Parent Teacher Organizations.  I have made some on my very best friends while serving on Parent boards.  For those of you itching to get over to the comment section and call me a hater that should try volunteering at my kid’s school instead of writing a lame blog please take a deep breath and keep reading.  I have served on 4 Elementary School Parent boards, chaired fundraisers, ran the book fair twice, written the newsletters and been room mom more times than I have fingers to count on.  I have, though, never done any of those things while wearing horsey pants or sporting hair extensions.

*Many thanks for all of you who “liked” me on Facebook!  May the Snark Be With You.  For those that haven’t done the deed yet to stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link - http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs. Oh and while you’re at it go ahead and share my link with friends.  Cheers!

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78 Responses to Undercover Snarky – The Finale

  1. Angela says:

    I can name a couple of schools PTO organizations in JOCO KS that need this kind of purging!! AWESOME!!! Looks like there is hope out there after all! GO TEAM SNARKY!

  2. Stephenie says:

    O I love you! If only you were in my area, I totally would have recruited you to take on my daughter’s second grade teacher! Shes a Pricillia allllll the way!

  3. Yvette says:

    This was great! Just great! Acting for Karma is awesome! Go girl!

  4. i loved this. i was on the edge of my seat. and my husband officially thinks im nuts. he said its a blog NOT a book. i told him to shut up and read! i cant wait for him to get home tonight and finish reading this. you have a new viewer of your blog and I get an appology we both win! thank you so much for wrighting this!

  5. Great end to an awesome story! Although I no longer have kids in school I have plenty of friends and family who do. I’m forward this on to all of them. You are my hero!

  6. carey says:

    You. Are. The. Bomb.

    and I don’t mean a lice bomb.

    I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!

  7. Suzanne says:

    Brilliant strategy for a PTA takeover! And I bet those bitches are steaming mad. They sound like “mean girls” that just grew up and wanted to terrorize & intimidate the school through their children for a second time. Were they humiliated and shunned after their actions were made public? Please give us a follow up report soon!

    The new board will probably all get by just fine without the officers’ notebooks with one exception – the treasurer. They will have to have to go through the process of new signature cards, etc. I can’t help but wonder if there was any financial hanky-panky with the first lot. It wouldn’t surprise me.

    Also – what happened with the Principal? If “Sam’s mom” didn’t report his ineptitude to the school district, did anyone else? (As they should have!)

    Why are people so power-hungry and mean? I just can’t figure it out.

    I’ m so glad you were able to right an injustice in one small corner of the suburbs. All hail Snarky!

    PS – I too have been room mom, Halloween Carnival chairman, silent auction chairman, and held assorted board positions and was never a bitch.

  8. Laniloo says:

    I’ve been following you awhile. Can’t wait for the book! :) Very talented!!

  9. Ronda says:

    love it, you alone would make me want to go to those dreaded pta meetings and get a good laugh….well done! :)

  10. henjenca says:

    I loved this, and was laughing out loud as I read. The head-lice was a surprise ending!!

  11. Katie says:

    Are you entries real life accounts? Or a creative outlet? Regardless they are stinking funny! :)

  12. Sara says:

    I love it. Great job! I feel so blessed not to have the kind of nonsense at our school. Just wish there wasn’t such animosity between the teachers and the PTA – so weird. Anyhoo – kudos!

  13. Kansas Katie says:

    Love it! And my head started itching once I got to the lice part – excellent maneuver. Well played, Snarky, well played!

  14. CrazieKaty says:

    I am now going to pour myself a glass of wine, and propose a toast to the successes of Snarky & the NEW PTF Board:) Absolutely fabulous! This is the stuff dreams are made of, people.

  15. Jackie says:

    Absolutely hilarious!!!!

  16. Angela says:

    Thank you. I could see it! Wish I had been there. That was, and I quote, “Ffffffff’ing Awesome!!”

    We had that same board running the “women’s group” at church once…that was bad. Because of course, they could go all holy and religious on you to justify anything they did.

    Keep your Snark on, Everybody!

  17. You may be middle-aged, you may not be bringing sexy back, but YOU ARE JUST ABOUT THE COOLEST THING THAT’S HAPPENED TO AMERICA IN AGES!!!!! This week, rouge PTF boards, next week THE WORLD!!! Snarky for President 2012!!! You’d do a hell of a lot better job than either Obama, Romney, or anyone else that’s there. You totally rock!!!

  18. Julie says:

    Most excellent. Snark on!! Do you accept apprentices? I come with offerings of Diet Coke. I own track pants. I don’t blow my hair out. I have NEVER drunk hot water with lemon. Or without lemon.
    Just asking, is all.

  19. Lorien Shaw says:

    god I love you and your sense of the absurd truth…or the truly absurb, I can’t decide.

  20. Oh so worth the wait in getting to the conclusion. I loved having a little more to look forward to each day. Now what will I do with my time?

    Have you considered offering your services? I have a prom queen that never grew up to contend with. Funny thing those prom queens (the type, not necessarily all of them.) They tend to think they should hold court forever and those who do not bow before them are beneath them.

    To them I say, “Shut it bitches. All Hail the Queen!” (of Snark, that is.)

  21. Hot DAMN I have been waiting for this post. Yet another EPIC RAID. This is even better than the Christmas one I think, because now you have a whole group of happy kids getting fair treatment from the parent board. I have seen fair boards and unfair ones, and oh GEEZUZ anybody who would support the unfair ones would probably also join.

  22. Jennifer says:

    I did this at a Junior League meeting here in Trxas. I also resigned a year later. The Presudent was trying to ram a by laws change at membership with a consent agenda. Imagine the Roberts rules I needed to know to get through that. AND I won. Take that snotty bitches!

    • Suzanne says:

      OK – You must be a rock star too. I have always hated parliamentarian procedure (probably because I see it as boring and dull) but damn, it is there for a reason. I’m guessing Robert just knew that there were going to be nasty bitches (or dudes) out there that would try and run rough-shod over procedure. This is his way of making sure people do things by the book.

      HIgh five to Jennifer & Snarky for plowing through parliamentarian procedure so justice could be served!

    • All hail Roberts Rules of Order! I’m glad you were successful at your J.L. meeting. Just curious – did you use “Point of Order”? At least you got to resign the J.L. – they kicked me out.

      • Jennifer says:

        The HBIC (head bitch in charge) had set a consent agenda to shove her changes through onto membership. One of the changes she was supporting directly affected a committee I was on.

        The motion was made to approve the consent agenda – a second.

        Then my Point of Order.

        I had to make a motion to remove the motion being conserdered off the consent agenda. It was seconded by my crew and membership, who always says yes to all motions.

        Then in my craftiness – I made a motion to admend the motion – knowing league never bothers to think things through and always vote yes. So I didn’t have to defeat her motion – that was done when I admended it. Got the second, and much discussion becasue membership wheels were off and the President and Bylawys chair were stunned. I even had support from a non-crew member.

        My heart was racing. She eventually tried to get me kicked out – national was involved as was my attorney husband and a good friend whose husband was a judge. She backed down and NOW at the JL annual gift market – she tried to hug me, and does the “oh how are you, nonsense!

        I know several of those JL girls read the blog! I am certain they can relate.

      • Good Lord, that was a lot of maneuvering. Way to go! My favorite part of your comment is that the HBIC tried to hug you at the gift market – ugh. P.S. I saw on your blog where you said I was mean. I’m not mean. I’m the voice of the underdog and back up for people who need a crafty friend in their corner.

      • Jennifer says:

        I am a convert! Completely in the fan column!

        I am not a fan of being an underdog but certainly someone who will stand up and quite vocally speak out for the underdog and what is right . . . well, according to me!

        Please forgive me for the previous misperception, I have been set straight!

      • Never Fear all is forgiven. Thanks for giving Snarky a second chance.

  23. momonthedge says:

    That was just…SNARKALICIOUS!

  24. Well, effity eff eff…..YOU ARE SIMPLY FABULOUS, SNARKY!!! Hats off to you for a mission more than brilliantly accomplished :-)

  25. Lynn says:

    I soooooooooooooo need you to bring down some of the dance mamas and diva daughters that have perfected their bey-otch status at 10 years old. You bring the can of whoop-a$$, I’ll bring the Diet Coke!!! I am DAMN good at undercover recon work. I live for it!!!!

  26. Mychelle says:

    I have to say that was FANTASTIC!

  27. Deb says:

    This is fantastic. I have been following this saga and every time you posted the next segment I would get so excited to sit down and read it.

    You should right a novel with all these stories wrapped around a plot. Because this has been the best reading I have done in a long time. Much better than anything current in the book stores.

  28. Laurie says:

    That was great, you kick arse!

  29. Lisa says:

    Superb! I’ve been to these meetings as a pure “nobody” parent, and they were enough to scare me completely away! Talk about a PTO Smackdown! :) Keep ‘em comin! :)

  30. Melissa says:

    Love this!! I need a snarky app for my smart phone!!

  31. Dawn says:

    Love the story! You may have a career ahead of you in undercover operations!

  32. Eve says:

    You make reliving high school so even more fun than it was the first time around! Karmic payback is a beautiful thing!

  33. Gentle Blue says:

    This was awesome…I’m a teacher and I loved it! My school’s PTO is wonderful – heartfelt people who are there for the kids. My children’s PTO is a joke. F-bomb droppings at every meeting and people who don’t want to do a thing unless it benefits their own child directly. Any chance you can come to Massachusetts?

  34. Edith Ann says:

    Excellent! I do love a pot stirrer!

  35. SuzAnn says:

    This is amazing stuff!!!! We had a PTA Board like this for several years…when my oldest son was in elementary…and for some unknown reason…one year they all decided not to be on the board any more…a few of us full time job moms stepped in..because otherwise there would have been no PTA at our kids campus…. we reviewed the financial reports and found the reason…they had attended the state PTA convention and stayed at one of the most expensive hotels in town…not the one arranged by the convention and feasted like queens for the 3 days they were attending the convention…they spent over $2000.00 on this trip….we reported the info to the district and thanks to us…each campus goes through an audit at the end of every school year…they too did it for the children????

    • OMG!!! Living the good life with a vacay funded by the PTA dollars. I wonder how much gift wrap and cookie dough the kids had to sell to pay for their trip?

    • Suzanne says:

      Were you able to get the money back? Wasn’t there a budget? You mean these bitches got a way with it?!

      Every PTA Board I was ever on barely funded the PTA convention. MAYBE a couple hundred dollars for expenses so most people paid for everything with their own dime —- for the children’s sake.

      Yikes! Scary stuff.

  36. Erin says:

    I relish the fact that i may just be a Snarkaholic!

  37. Jennifer Holbert says:

    I believe you are my twin, seperated at birth. Snark on, sistah.

  38. Jennifer Holbert says:

    And of COURSE I have a typo….LOL

  39. abozza says:

    I. Love. This. Story.
    I got nothin’ else.

    http://amysreallife.wordpress.com

  40. Sam's Mom says:

    As a mom who is about to enter in the world of PTA’s, PTO’s, PFA’s, WTF’s and such – you give me hope that the underdog still can win and beat out the Priscilla’s of the world. Snark on, lady, Snark on!

  41. normalmom says:

    Fear not, new elementary school moms. There are plenty of us out there with even tempers, relaxed attitudes, less than perfect cars, and who really do care about the kids.

    And then there are the bitches on wheels like Snarky describes for us. You will find the other nice, normal moms, promise. Please don’t get scared off PTO due to Snarky, because the normal moms like me really need your help.

    A friend of mine stepped up to be president of her school’s PTO, and someone immediately asked her “do you have your pair of Louboutins ready?” Not necessary to be a fancy-pants bitch on wheels, I promise.

    • Thanks for pointing that out. You speak the gospel.

      • normalmom says:

        There are some real live crazy bitches out there, though. My favorite is the passive-aggressive, two-faced type.

        Let’s call her “Susie.”

        She volunteers like CRAZY. I mean, all the time. The woman practically lives in the damn building. You see her visiting with the teachers during instructional time, without any clear reason to be interrupting them. She is constantly bringing gifties to all the teachers and staff.

        And behind their backs, all she can do is talk trash about them. This teacher is awful, that administrator is a terrible leader, etc., etc. She proudly tells anyone who asks that teachers make waaaaaayyyyy too much money, even as she is bringing lunch in for the teachers for the holiday luncheon.

        She is seen holding court at Starbucks or Target about the very horrible 1st grade teacher her child had last year, and how grateful she is to have Mr. Wonderful for second/third grade mixed age class this year.

        Sadly, she creeps out the teachers and staff, but they are afraid of her so much that they won’t say anything to her, nor will they complain to the principal and get her to stop hanging out in the building.

        Gah. I want to wring her little neck so hard. She is scaring off all the nice people, who are afraid that the rest of the PTA women are just like her.

        Honey, I hope you are really writing a book, because it needs to be written, and the revenge wreaked upon your bitchy characters needs to be righteous. RIGHTEOUS!

  42. Stacey says:

    Somehow I stumbled onto this blog and once caught up in the saga I couldn’t turn away. This was AWESOME! I laughed, I cried, I started planning my own coup. Snarky barely begins to cover the fun… Outstanding plan from execution to end. Word to the track pant mafia!

  43. Kelli says:

    PTF-Parent Teacher FUCKS! love it

  44. solodialogue says:

    Loved how this all played out yet I feel strangely unfulfilled – only because I know it was the “finale” and I want to read more! ;)

  45. Cat@theBeach says:

    I have become a hard core fan. In fact, I know if we lived anywhere near each other we’d be BFF. I’m totally down with the “karma assistance”! Snark on woman!

    I don’t know which I laughed at harder, the Christmas Drive By, or the PTF beyotches getting their comeuppance!

  46. i am still a good 4-6 years outside of having to deal with PTO. i am going to take this ammo and tuck it in a barbie lunch box for the future. please give me more.

  47. Carole says:

    Fffff(‘ing) fantastic ! I love your blog, your stories, it’s brilliant ! A big Hello from a french girl in Europe and keep writing please !

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