Undercover Snarky – Almost The Conclusion

One of the last things on my to do list was to pay a visit to the now infamous (to me) Spring Creek elementary school.  The morning before the PTF meeting I’m in the school parking lot waiting for Eleanor.  My plan is for both of us to walk in together, sign the parent volunteer sheet, slap on a Spring Creek Elementary School “visitor” sticker and do some recon.  Eleanor pulls up beside me and we both get out of our cars. I follow her lead as we walk into the school.   Just as I thought, it’s easy peasy to sign in at the front desk, (I don’t think the school secretary even looked up from her computer as soon as she recognized Eleanor) and walk to the workroom.  Here, like in most schools, are where you find the copy machines, paper, staplers etc and moms (I know Dad’s volunteer, but in my 9 years straight of having at least one child in elementary school I have never seen a father collating worksheet packets.) allegedly assisting their child’s teacher.  While, the mother maybe hard at work die cutting hearts for the February bulletin boards she’s also multi-tasking by gossiping her ass off.  That made the workroom ground zero to gauge the mood of the moms.  As Eleanor and I were about to enter the workroom she stopped short.  I asked her, “What’s up?”  Thinking our big game – Priscilla Davis might be in there.

Eleanor stepped back and said, “Crap. I hate that mom.”

I peak over her shoulder and say, “Which one are you talking about?”  There were three moms in the workroom.

“The petite one right by the copier with those stupid boots on.”

I look in again and see a woman, in immediate need of a sandwich, in riding boots and freaking breeches or whatever the hell you call those pants that fancy people who ride horses wear. (Oh pardon me, I mean equestrians) Did she ride her horse to school because I didn’t see a hitching post in the parking lot?

I ask Eleanor, “Do you hate her because she wears her horsey pants to volunteer at the elementary school.  Because if so, that’s enough for me?”

“No, I hate her because we’ve had kids the same age and in the same class for like 5 years and she never ever remembers who I am. God, I’m so sick of it.  I’ve probably re-introduced myself to her 100 times.”

“Ohhhh,” I say, “One of those. A mom with a bad case of arrogance amnesia.  The old “you’re not important enough for me to remember therefore I’ll pretend I don’t know you as a way to signal my superiority.” Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go in there and mess with her.”

Eleanor gave me a pained expression so I said, “Correction.  I’ll go in there and mess with her.  You pretend you need to make copies.”

With that we both walk into the work room and whatever conversation/gossip the three women were having stops.  Eleanor says hi and I smile and nod at everyone.  Horsey pants sneers and says, “Do I know you two?

I give her an over the shoulder confused look and say, “You’re joking right?”

“No, I’m not.  Have we’ve ever been introduced? She then gives both of us the snobby once over. “I don’t recollect meeting either of you and I don’t think I would know you from the club or the barn.”

THE BARN! I’m biting down on my lower lip to keep from howling and suddenly the lyrics to the classic 1950’s TV show – Mr. Ed pop into my head.  (No, I not that old, but who hasn’t heard the Mr. Ed song sometime in their childhood.) “ A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a horse of course.  That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed.”   What a huge Mr. Ed’s ass this woman is.  I get it lady you ride horseys.  That doesn’t make you Kate Middleton.

Instead of singing the Mister Ed theme song I say in a very concerned voice, “Okay, now you’re scaring me. You do know me from the barn.  I’m the dressage champion (points for me pulling that term right out of my butt.) and  Eleanor and you have had kids in the same class for years.”  I then do a long drawn out “Ohhhhhhh” and all of the moms give me a weird look, including Eleanor.

This is when I stick the knife in and rotate it counter-clockwise, “I am so, so sorry.  I should have realized you’re going through menopause and having those memory lapse issues my mom’s Red Hat Society always talks about. Don’t worry according to my mom it all comes back after your body gets used to the non-estrogen lifestyle. You’ll be fine. Circle of life, my friend, Circle of life.”

As Horsey Pants is turning bright red I’m grabbing Eleanor’s shoulder and turning her towards the door.  We both walk out and Eleanor whispers, “Oh my God.”

I say, “I have no doubt she’ll remember you now.”

Eleanor still whispering, which was starting to aggravate me, says, “Yeah and not it a good way.”

“Stop worrying and count your blessings.  I’m guessing she’ll never even make eye contact with you again. Now, where’s the cafeteria?”

Eleanor showed me the cafeteria and how the meeting would be set up.  The PTF board members have the custodian set up a dais for them with microphones and a smart board.  When Eleanor tells me this I look at her and ask, “How many parents come to the meeting that they need a dais and microphones?  Most elementary school PTA meetings are lucky to get two dozen parents.”

“They really publicize the meetings and they take role. Your kid isn’t eligible for any awards if at least one parent or guardian doesn’t come to a meeting.”

“Shit.”  I say, “They TAKE roll. (Totally dismissing the just as shocking fact that school awards are based on parental attendance at a PTF meeting.) Why didn’t you guys tell me this? I’ll need to work around that.  Do they take roll at the beginning of the meeting? Is it a verbal roll call or do they just circulate a sign in sheet?”

“They take roll as soon as you walk in.  There will be table right here and two of the board members watch you sign in.”

“Don’t tell me they check I.D.?”

“No.”  “I don’t think so. Is this going to be a problem?”

“Maybe, but don’t worry about it.  I’ll improvise. Now show me the exits that will open and not set off an alarm.”

A couple of minutes later I feel confident that I know the school’s layout and walk back out, solo, to my car.  Oh perfect, there’s Horsey Pants in the parking lot.  She walks up to me and says, “Not that it’s any of your business, but I am far too young to be going through menopause.”

I was ready to just give her some more grief, but then a thought occurred to me.  To pull off this scheme the Nut Ups will need parental support. This is an awesome opportunity to turn Horsey Pants into an ally.

“Hey,” I say, “You look early 30’s tops to me (Total lie. She looks 4oish on a good day.) But, Priscilla Davis has been telling everyone your going through the big M complete with drippy hot flashes.  I’m sure she’s jealous of you.  Seriously, everyone is.  You should come to the PTF meeting tomorrow. Did you hear she’s trying to be PTF president – again?  Like she thinks she’s queen of the school or something. You want to get back at her – show up.”

“How would going to the PTF meeting get back at her?”

“I don’t really know, but I heard a rumor it’s going to be good.”

“How good?”

“How about that big, bleached blonde, head of hair of hers is going to be ground zero for a school wide lice epidemic and that’s just for starters.”

Horsey pants gave me a full mouthed smile and I my first thought was, “Wow, those are some bad veneers. If I were her I might want to cut back on the horsey expenditures for some better cosmetic dentistry.” After I got past the slipshod teeth I smiled back and said, “So, will I see you tomorrow night?”

“Oh, I’ll be there,” she purrs, “And I’ll bring friends.”

We both go to get in our cars and as she opens her door she looks back at me, wrinkles her brow, squints her eyes and says, “Are you sure I know you?”

“Yes, I’ve been at this school for years.”

This entry was posted in P.T.A., Pot Stirring, Revenge, School. Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Undercover Snarky – Almost The Conclusion

  1. Deanna says:

    You are a genius! Your blog is Soooo addicting! You are a Superhero.

  2. Suzanne says:

    “Ground zero for lice” – Love it!

    Because I know how awful that is. Not only did two of my kids have lice, but one of them gave it to me. 2nd worse thing of parenting. #1 being potty training and #3 dealing with chicken pox. YES, that’s how old I am, the vaccination hadn’t been invented yet and I had to actually deal with it. Not enough calamine lotion and oatmeal baths could ever make that parenting nightmare make my kid comfortable. Ugh!

    Can’t wait for the next installment!

    • Gena Brady says:

      Chicken pox vaccine is only 80% effective. Did not know that until last week.

      • Suzanne says:

        I guess that means you’ve been in solitary confinement for the last two weeks eh? How many Dora the Explorer’s have you been forced to watch?

        I hear dealing with chicken pox builds character!

      • Jennifer Pasanski says:

        My daughter got the chicken pox from the vaccine…twice! And she also got them when her little brother had the chicken pox. I feel your pain!!!

  3. oooh please hurry and finish the suspence is litterily killing me.

  4. ibz says:

    —-“One of those. A mom with a bad case of arrogance amnesia. The old “you’re not important enough for me to remember therefore I’ll pretend I don’t know you as a way to signal my superiority.”

    This is a FABULOUS line- I have never had the words for that experience, but know it well.

  5. jen says:

    bring on the conclusion….lovin this!

  6. GingerSnaap says:

    All I know is this- not only do I wish you were President of the PTA/PTO/PTF/WTF, I also wish you were the President of the United States! All Hail Snarky!
    I steer clear of such organizations, I am too much of a BullSh#t hater to even go near.

  7. Deb says:

    I love your blog and was almost crying – these moms must be everywhere – how sad is that. I love the arrogance amnesia – too many walking around with that these days!!! Can’t wait to read more!! Thanks for the honesty and the laughs!!!

  8. Annabelle says:

    I’m so terrified that she might be on the “other side” of this, and I can’t wait for the next chapter!

  9. Jennifer Pasanski says:

    I love your clarity in all of these situations. I wish I was quick on my feet like you are! I always come up with something brilliant AFTER a confrontation TOO LATE!!! Loving this story and waiting for the next installment!! :)

  10. carol says:

    I had chicken pox as an ADULT……one year before the vaccine came out. Trust me when I tell you it is far worse to have it as an adult…..and my doctor confirmed this. Rock on, Snarky.

  11. You are hilarious & Snarkilicous. I would only be a lesbian for you. <3

  12. Suzanne says:

    Snarky,

    I feel as if I have been stalking you. But in a good way. Really.

    Anyway…today’s Urban Dictionary word of the day is “mompetition” and I couldn’t help think that this this has been something you could riff on.

    Definition: The one-up rivalry that moms play making their child seem better, smarter, and/ or more advanced than yours. May involve two or more moms and any number of children, even full-grown.

    “She engaged me in mompetition insisting her son walked at 6 months and implying my son was slow for his age.”

    Sadly, this has happened to me more than once. Grrr.

  13. Jessie says:

    I would totally watch this tv show every Thursday night…I see tv/ movie deals in your future Snarky….

    • Suzanne says:

      Agreed! Yes to a book, TV show or major motion picture! And what actress should play Snarky? Angelina Jolie could totally rock a pair of Target track pants, and she could totally play the “cool under pressure” suburban mom.

  14. carey says:

    I wish I had more time on my hands. I don’t work, but the current allotted 24 hours a day isn’t enough for me to become a BIg Time Hollywood Director so I could film the sh*t out of this action. I can picture it all with complete clarity and camera angles and who I would cast to play whom. (Grammar rules on who and whom? whatever – seriously, after 12th grade English, the computer has all the answers, anyway)

    I can barely wait for the next 24 Hours of Me Not Accomplishing Life Goals to pass to embrace the conclusion.

  15. Karen says:

    I can’t wait to see you how you get even with these moms.

  16. Natalie says:

    ugh, so good but I want more. Ugh, I know I’m annoying but I need a conclusion. And some kind of snarky iv.

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