Avoid Theses Elves

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Where would Christmas be without elves? There is no way Santa could do all he does without them. Even non-North Pole elves are amazing. Why just look at the Keebler elves they’re uncommonly good. I do need to caution you – there are some rogue elves coming your way this holiday season. Elves that are up to no good and elves that are just plain annoying. Because I care, deeply care, about your holiday happiness I have complied a list of the elves you should try your very best to steer clear of from now until the beginning of the new year.

Re-Gifty:  I have nothing against re-gifting in theory. But, several criteria must be met for a classy re-gifting experience.  Sadly Re-Gifty the Elf (a serial re-gifter) doesn’t uphold any of the high re-gifting standards set forth by C.H.E.A.P the Committee to Help Ensure an Adequate Present. These standards include that the present still be in its original box, has never been used, was not part of set, (i.e. the make-up “gift with purchase” set broken up into several gifts, lipstick in one box, 1 oz. make-up remover in another etc.) still has a valid expiration date and is actually a gift that someone would remotely want or care to use sometime in the next millennium. Re-Gifty, I’m afraid looks upon the exchanging of gifts as a chance to clean out his or her closet or hordes crap all year to release it on unsuspecting family members during the holidays.

Achey: You need to practice evasive maneuvers to avoid any long-term (and by that I mean more than 5 minutes) conversational contact with Achey the Elf.  You’ll be serenaded with tales of stomach ailments, hip replacement surgery, boils, hammer toes, moles gone bad and if you’re really lucky an in-depth analysis of Achey’s colonoscopy: “First, they inserted some kind of long straw type thing with a camera, if you can believe that, right up my ole poop factory.”

“Fascinating,” you respond as you fight to keep down your recently swallowed pumpkin pie. I find the best audience for Achy is another family member, coworker, neighbor who has an equally lengthy ailment inventory. Just supply the introductions and sit back and watch the medical fireworks as they compete to see who has seen the most specialists during the past 12 months.

Foodie: I enjoy good food and respect those out there with high culinary standards. What I don’t have patience for is the food snob. Keep an eye out for Foodie the Elf a gastronomic gas-bag who can turn any holiday meal into a Two Tums Spectacular. Last year, Foodie was in my kitchen asking if the marshmallows on top of the sweet potato casserole were homemade organic or store-bought? I’m thinking who in the hell makes homemade marshmallows and besides that they’re on top of a casserole that’s laden down with butter, brown sugar, and crushed ginger snaps – does it really need homemade, organic marshmallows? The casserole had me at brown sugar. Foodie continued inspecting my kitchen. Was the pie crust made with bio dynamic butter and were the fruit fillings dry farmed? (Huh – is that anything like dry humped?  Really, I’m clueless.) Were the mashed potatoes first harvest (huh again)?  You can imagine how the Franzia boxed wine went over.  Foodie swooned and not in a good way.

I found the way to get this elf out of your kitchen is to ask him/her to do something like unload a dishwasher or set the table. Before you can say “Santa” Foodie magically turns into Hidey the Elf.  Hidey is a master of disappearing when it’s time for any helpful cleaning tasks.

Cougary:  Divorced relative that mistakenly thinks their hot. Unfortunately wearing Victoria Secret lingerie as a blouse and dabbing One Direction “perfume” on your wrinkled decolletage doesn’t turn back the hands of time. This, old enough to know better, Elf “flirts” with college aged friends of cousins. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion

Techie: If you wonder how the new 3 D Nintendo works or why Steve Jobs wore black turtlenecks then look no farther than Techie the Elf. Techie considers him/herself an expert on all things that require a computer chip or battery. Imagine your joy on Christmas day to receive an Ipad. Imagine that joy crushed by Techie on Christmas evening as he lectures you on why the Ipad Air with 9.7 retina display will be obsolete in four months or how based on your “patten of data usage” a new smart phone would have been the wiser consumer choice. Where’s warp speed when you really need it because Scotty needs to beam Techie right back to the North Pole.

A sibling to Techie is Screeny:  This elf will spend the whole holiday with his/her head looking down. Addicted to their smart phone the only thing that moves on Screeny are thumbs. Don’t attempt to engage this elf in any kind of verbal interaction. Feel free though to text your thoughts or that dinner is now being served.

Instagramy: Hoist on your spanx, apply your serum and retinol, do full make up and get your hair professionally blow dried because Instagramy the Elf is going to make sure you turn up on Facebook, Linked-In, YouTube, or get e-mailed to 3,000 of his/her closest friends. It’s imperative that you remain on full alert around Instagramy. Do not under any circumstances turn your back on Instagramy and for the love of God, do not bend over the oven to remove the turkey. Your backside in all it’s glory will be internet bound before you can say, “You did not just take a picture of my ass?”

This Elf thinks they’re the family documentarian. Their specialty – the really bad photo or video and if you look like a hag with three chins or Jabba the Hut’s older, fatter sister – all the better.  I’ve been known to hide Instagramy’s camera and cell phone. When that doesn’t work I use blackmail. What good is being related to someone if you can’t use tidbits from their teen years as ammo.

Healthy: This elf is kill joy. Do I really need to know the caloric, fat, carb, sugar and sodium breakdown of my once a year eggnog?  I think not. Is doing a “death calculation calendar” a joyous game to play at Christmas? What, you’ve never played that game? Well, put up the new X Box  and get out a pencil so you can find out based on your weight, age, genetics and personal habits when you will croak. Glad Tidings to be sure.

Smokey: Cough, gag and wheeze. This elf is the lone smoker in the family who thinks standing inside and placing their head at a 20 degree angle out a window is getting rid of all their toxic air. Too bad, Smokey is in a nicotine frenzy and unable to comprehend that all the smokey air is blowing right back in the house. Your best plan of action is to sic Healthy on Smokey.

Churchy: God bless this elf and get ready for lots and lots of face time with Churchy. This somber elf will invade your home and the very first thing he/she will do is take attendance on who attended a morning religious service and THEN came back and opened gifts. If you did the gift thing first – shame on you.  If you didn’t go to church at all – Merry Christmas and prepare to burn in hell for eternity. Brace yourself for a lecture or two on the real meaning of Christmas and a couple of swipes at Santa. Whatever you do – Do Not let Churchy say grace. It will turn into a sermon and those yummy mashed potatoes will get cold.

Etiquettey: Possibly the most annoying elf on the list. I have a family member who is a graduate of the Protocol School of Washington D.C. Basically, that means she is Miss Manners to infinity and beyond. Every freaking family holiday dinner she’s spends it clearing her throat. The throat clear is her signal that someone is committing a faux pas at the dinner table. It makes me want to chew with my mouth open, use my salad fork on my dessert and throw my linen napkin in her general vicinity. Two years ago she hosted the holiday dinner and set her table so each guest has no less than five forks (oyster, fish, meat, dessert and fruit), four spoons and three knives. Factor in the glass ware on the table and it looked like a Williams Sonoma going out of business sale. We all set down and weren’t sure were to begin.  Which, of course, was her goal. A whole Stump the Bumpkins game.  Pardon me, but aren’t gracious manners supposed to make someone feel welcome in your house? Never fear I got her back. Last year, I did my research on formal etiquette. I’m talking like dining with the Queen of England manners and spent Christmas dinner clearing my throat and looking at her very pointedly. It freaked her out. “What’s wrong with you,” she said in a high pitch squeak.

I every so snarkily pointed out that she had placed her silverware more than one inch from the edge of the table and that (gasp!) her dessert fork tines were facing in the wrong direction. To plunge the butter knife in a little further I asked her, “What protocal school did you say you went to again?” This year, she has declined to host the Christmas Eve dinner at her home. Hip, hip, hooray!

Sure, I could on and on with my list. I left off Braggy, Surly, Drinky etc. But, I’m counting on the fact that you are probably already well acquainted with those elves. This list was to educate you on the newest troublemakers. Beware my friends and remember knowledge is power.  Now go out there and have  yourself a Happy Holiday, but watch your back. These elves are sneaky.

***For all things wonderfully Snarky go to www.snarkygear.com where you can find the new winter Snarky line of clothing and accessories. (Flannel Snarky P.J.’s anyone?) Plus, there’s my book - Snarky in the Suburbs Back to School. (Click here for purchase information.) Here’s a little ditty about it: The Spring Creek Elementary School PTA board (a coven of Mean Moms dressed in Uggs, yoga pants, and dermal filler) is up to no good.  Wynn Butler (middle-aged, uncool, and not bringing sexy back) is determined to find out what’s going on. With help from her two kids, a Roomba vacuum turned mobile surveillance drone, and a few good friends, Wynn launches a covert investigation that leads to the “mother of all revenge capers” at the school’s annual Fall Festival.  If you’ve ever fantasized about smoke bombing the idiot parent who has yet to master the fine art of the school drop-off lane, or standing up and shouting, “Liar, liar, Botox on fire” during a PTA meeting, then this delicious tale of payback is for you. To stay up-to-date on new posts and take part in my not so deep thoughts click on this Facebook link - http://is.gd/iEgnJ (That’s the abbreviated link to my FB page) or I twitter @snarkynsuburbs.

 

 

19 thoughts on “Avoid Theses Elves

  1. LessThanSatisfactory says:

    I personally would love to hear about Drinky, I’m sure some of my family members could closely relate on a frightening scale. And hey, it’s not Christmas unless we’re pushing our bodies to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes!

  2. Stinky doesn’t show up at our holiday gatherings because we go alcohol free! I’m not sure what to call the elves in my family who sometimes, inadvertently express their feelings about my family being Jewish. (I converted.) Example: “I don’t know why we can’t use real butter to baste the turkey. You live in America, not Israel.” Hello, keeping kosher is Jewish even in timbuktu!!

  3. TracyJune says:

    Bahahaha I’m Drinky the elf. In my defense. I host Christms dinner(and a brunch earlier in the day) at my house and what with all my siblings showing up… I think I’m entitled. The morning starts with Mimosas. It IS brunch after all. Smokey usually shows up early and joins me. After we have finished a magnum of champagne, We realize we still have orange juice left over. Oh well.. brunch is over anyway, time for the vodka. (Hey I’m going to hell in a handbasket anyway) So the others are starting to trickling in by this time, my sister Stealy the elf finally shows. She’s looking threw the house trying to figure out where I’ve hidden my scentsy bars, good makeup and new cute earrings. She apparently needs to “borrow” them. She’s outraged over the fact I’ve “hidden” these objects.. Don’t I trust her? Well since I’ve got the 1/2 magnum of champagne in me and the beginings of that liter of vodka.. “No! NO I don’t! I’m tired of you rummaging threw my stuff”. Smokey joins in cause she’s had a few items come up missing to. Stealy gets all pissy and runs off to tattle to Mom that we have been drinking. Hence the “hell in a hand basket” . We wish she would leave but Stealy would never miss out on a free meal. It’s not like she’s gonna take her family home and cook for them.. Anyway.. There is a reason Drinky drinks.. so have a heart.

      • TracyJune says:

        Thank you.She started life cloaked as Moochy but then.. decided that instead of just taking some leftovers home she’d take the whole “brand new Pampered Chef stoneware” pan WITH the food. And then, she once showed up to “borrow” your new towels cause her dryer was on the fritz. I then realized she was Stealy in Moochy clothing. Merry Christmas and wish me luck!

  4. Lynn says:

    with the exception of screeny, technie, smokey and cougary, ALL these elves are wrapped up in one package more commonly known as MY SISTER IN LAW!! HAHAHAHA!!! Love your blog, and I SWEAR you must live in the same town as me!

  5. Heheh, several of these sounded very familiar! Especially Kodaky. We have a few of those in the family: Kodaky, Nikony, Canony, etc. :)

    This year’s gathering is set to be interesting, because my sister-in-law has invited all of my father-in-law’s family, and is refusing to tell each one who of the others is coming, because ALL are invited. She’s kind of tired of the inflammatory politics between them all.

    We have Bittery (loud, conservative to the point of conspiracy theorist, and refuses to talk to his father, Proudy); Proudy (actually pretty cool, but old and set in his ways) and Proudy’s wife, Mouthy (biting, sarcastic, quick to offense, and not afraid to lay it on you); and, finally, Crazy (who invited herself up from California to stay with my mother- and father-in-law for 17 (!!) days, also ex-wife of Proudy and biological mother of Mouthy. She has a special gift for saying she’ll do one thing, and cancelling at the last minute, or conveniently “forgetting” something in order to get out of it or make someone feel guilty).

    Bittery has refused to talk to Proudy (and Mouthy) (and vice-versa) for months now — or more (what makes this extra special is that Mouthy lives next door to Proudy and Bittery). I’m pretty sure Crazy is not inclined to speak to Proudy, but if she does we should see some awesome martyring action hitting the fan. I’m not entirely sure if Bittery is speaking to Crazy, either, so that is potentially volatile, as well.

    If they all show up, not knowing the other will be there, the fireworks (or dead, dead silence — which might be nice, because Bittery is LOUD) are sure to be entertaining. I told my sister-in-law we should probably pop some popcorn for the occasion. >:)

      • I think I may be a little insane (or masochistic? Sadistic?), because I kind of can’t wait to see what happens. Or maybe I’m feelin’ the snark this year. ;) Their whole situation is so ridiculous, it’s gone beyond irritating into reality-show, train-wreck entertainment.

        I do have to say that, even though I kinda feel bad for my MIL, I’m really glad we don’t have any room to accommodate Crazy, so she cannot be foisted upon us when my MIL needs a break. I don’t think I could handle that this year.

  6. Hi there……I’m Judgey. I make Churchy look like a sweetheart. I know what is best for everyone in every circumstance and I make sure that everyone knows it. People who don’t do what I think is right for them turn me into a screaming maniac.

    Pregnant out of wedlock? I’ll mention it every single year
    Gay? I’ll make a display of how much I avoid talking to you
    You invited your ex to spend the holiday with the kids too? I’ll refuse to sit at the same table as him
    Disagreed with me once in 1996? I’ll give you dagger eyes the whole day.
    Democrat? Oh don’t get me started.

    Eventually eveyone will just do what I want them too because it’s much easier that way.

    • I know Judgey very well. I remember asking my mom way back when I was a teenager and Judgey came to all family events, “Why do we always give in to the biggest jerk in the family?” My mom’s response was “Survival.”

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