A Waterpark at first glance is all fun in the sun. You splash, you slide, you tube, you get cooled off. But, anyone who has ever spent more than ten minutes at one knows that, in fact, a Waterpark is where Satan comes to vacation. All Waterparks could use some major improvements and I’m not talking about upping the slide or water coaster thrill factor. The improvements I suggest would ensure the health and safety of anyone who is brave enough to plunge their pinkie toe into the chlorine infused swill that passes for pool water. In general, I would rather lick the bed spread at the Brokeback Mountain Motel & Trailer Park than swallow any Waterpark H20.
Think about it – you are subjecting your body to an orifice stew, a jambalaya of human excretions. Add in other assorted filth like hair dander, lice, skin infections up to and including infected tramp stamps, open sores, pink eye, puss weeping wounds, ring worm, incontinent toddlers and too lazy to leave the pool and pee children and adults, swim diapers whose structural integrity has been breached due to a massive number #2 brought on by the colonic hydrotherapy effect of the tube slide. (Seriously anyone who is constipated needs to slam down a fiber bar, chase that with some Citrus Metamucil and then head to their nearest Waterpark to do a couple of runs on a “speed” slide for an intense rectal refresh.) Mix it all together in the wave pool and then ask yourself is there enough chlorine in the world to deactivate this liquid equivalent of a dirty bomb? That would be a NO. In my ongoing crusade to improve the lives of others (I’m a giver, people, I give and give.) Here is my list of urgent Waterpark improvements.
All Waterparks should implement a “Pre Park” experience. This would be a series of “attractions” that park goers would “enjoy” before they are permitted to enter the Primary Park. Your adventure would begin with a ride on the Antibacterial Wash Coaster. Much like a watercoaster that loads people into a raft and uses water jets to propel then up and down an encased tube the Wash Coaster would be your greeting to the Waterpark. After paying more than your monthly mortgage for your family’s tickets you would immediately proceed to the Wash Coaster. Here a perky attendant would instruct you to stow your belongings, hand out goggles and then help you load into rafts. You will then be warned to not open your mouth under any circumstances due to a slight chance that you could ingest a toxic chemical or two. After that hang on and get ready to blast off to the tunnel of clean. The coaster starts off slowly, climbing up an incline, as you are misted with a color safe bleach based water spray. Just as the coaster plunges down a hill you experience the thrill of an antibacterial hand gel thunderstorm. This is when you notice that a lot of gel is getting blown up your backside. Due to clever engineering the bottom of each raft has holes, much like a spaghetti strainer, creating the patented “Hygiene Express Experience” for the ultimate in below the naval cleanliness. Remember to keep those arms up in the air as your coaster races downhill for the optimum in pit purification. Your Wash Coaster ride concludes with a clean rinse as you come to a gentle stop and journey through the grotto of hot air for a blow dry. Everyone emerges from the Wash Coaster “sanitized for their own protection” and is almost ready to get in the water.
Your next pre-park experience is the Sunscreen Spray Park where you are required to frolic in the Sunscreen Shower, SPF 70 Super Soaker and the Geyser of Coppertone.
After being saturated with sunscreen you then move on to the U.S.S. Toenail Clipper. Shaped like a sailing vessel from the 1800’s this ship is where you can walk the plank to a good toenail clipping. No one is allowed into the “central” park without a toenail inspection. Cast members (fresh from graduating beauty college) dressed in vintage sailing attire will examine each patron’s pedicure and if one’s toenail are deemed long enough to be classified as a saber, sword or any kind of cutting utensil they are required to submit to a clip and file job before proceeding into the park. This is all done to ensure than no one’s Waterpark experience is impaired by being severed by someone’s disgustingly long toenails in the Wavepool. The big toe is especially lethal. I mean, really, have you checked out people’s toenails at Waterparks?
Once your toenails are ship shaped it’s on to the Shave Shanty where those in need of a little razor TLC can be treated to the latest in hair removal technology. Legs that would turn on Chewbacca, armpit ringlets, braidable back hair, beards that present a drowning hazard due to their ability to ensnare small children are all in a days work for this talented team of shaving specialists.
To ensure that the Waterpark remains a family friendly venue guest with tattoos that exhibit foul language, hate speech, sexual innuendo or any reference – written or visual to “back door action” will be asked to visit Disappearing Tattoo Island. Here make up artists will apply water and sweat proof cosmetics to mask your stupidity for the duration of your stay at the park.
You’re almost ready to enter the water, but first everyone is treated to the Swimsuit Obstacle Course. Guests can run or walk the course that is designed to test the staying power of your swim-wear. If your suit can survive the high pressure water cannon, the soaking wet stair climb, and the bottoms up bend over without flashing any of your upstairs or downstairs junk then you can at last proceed into the main park. If your suit doesn’t pass the test than you will be re-directed to the gift shop to purchase a sensible tank suit or some nifty board shorts. If you decline the purchase opportunity a certified Wardrobe Malfunction Consultant will help secure duct tape to your swim-wear to ensure it neither slips nor slides during your visit.
Congratulations you are now permitted to enter the Waterpark where more improvements await you. Most guests will rush to the newest, high thrill rides. Because of their popularity long lines are the norm. This Waterpark improvement will put the waiting to good use with these rides featuring a potentially lifesaving Moletopia adventure. Moletopia is ride kiosk that will be staffed by a dermatologist who will do a cursory mole and skin cancer check – all covered by your paid park admission. You can’t tell me you haven’t stood behind someone in a Waterpark line and noticed that the moles on the dude in front in you look “suspicious.” If the doctor thinks something looks amiss then the park guest will be gently encouraged to have it checked out by their personal physician or in the worst case scenario, but perhaps better than nothing, an informed Wal-Mart greeter of their choice.
All Waterparks have lifeguards, but this improvement will up the park experience exponentially. Manner Mermaids will stroll the park offering etiquette guidance to unruly and slovenly guests. These elegant, refined first ladies of the sea will gently instruct park goers on manners and answer universal questions like – If a piece of funnel cake goes down by swimsuit is it okay to stick my hand in there, root around like I’m searching for a winning lotto ticket, finally locate the morsel of cake, crotch adjacent, and eat it? The Manner Mermaids will also be on the lookout for park patrons who to delicately describe it “over towel.” These are the guests who take drying off to the extreme. The folks who go all tug of war with their towel specifically in the genital zone. I’m personally still recovering from the visual of a woman who flossed her privates with a towel for close to 10 minutes. There she was in full view doing what can best be described as going to third base with a large piece of terry cloth. I finally, in the name of decency, had to intervene and suggest that she was “probably as dried off as she was going to get.”
My final improvement would be installing a Clock of Respectability at the end of each tube and body slide. This would a covered area where you could disembark from a tube or slide without embarrassment. There is truly no way to gracefully alight from a slide or tube if you’re over the age of 40. I have had the humiliation of finding myself tossed out of a tube and landing doggie style at the end of a ride. It was painfully unpleasant and I dare say a cornea scalding sight to behold for my fellow tubers. Inside the Cloak of Respectability would feature an array of implements to aid you in restoring your swimsuit back to it’s pre-slide position. There would be tweezers for the simple swimsuit de-wedgie procedure and surgical grade forceps for the delicate crack chasm operation where you discover a portion of your swimsuit has become entangled with your lower intestine.
I’m positive these improvements would result in increased attendance at all Waterparks and I have no doubt that they would give new meaning to the phrase – good, clean fun.
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